Summers' Purpose

Chapter 14

Trigger warning: Mentions of d*ath and possibly traumatic things

It was one of those restless nights for y/n. The minute she laid her head on the pillow and her exhaustion caught up to her, her nightmare started. Guilt had filled her mind so much, that it was drawing out things she had managed to contain. It was as if her own mind had become her enemy, cruelly showing her things she didn't want to remember. Her chest rose and fell faster and faster as she was subjected to her memories.

She saw her father's face, smiling and happy as he greeted them at the door. She can hear him calling out for her and Louis, their footsteps pitter-pattering lightly as they made their way to him. Louis reached first, giggling in their father's arms as he called out for y/n.

Just as she got to her father's arms, she was pulled back, now presented with the sight of her father laying in her mother's arms. Her mother's hands were stained red, cradling the love of her life as close as she can while she cried into his neck. Y/n felt Louis's hand holding hers, slowly becoming cold as he watched as well.

Y/n thought of their mother. She wanted to comfort her, to be strong for her like she has always been for her and Louis. She always regretted the fact that she didn't run to her side back then, just watching as the police swarmed their house until someone pulled the siblings aside to distract them. This time, she let go of Louis's hand, running as fast as she can to her mother. When her mother looked up at her, y/n found herself holding her mother in her arms, exactly the same way that her mother had held her father years ago.

She remembered waking up to the sound of people screaming, quickly realizing that the taxi they were in had crashed when the aliens attacked New York. She remembers her mother trying hard to hold on, asking y/n and her brother to stay together and keep each other safe. She could never forget how her mother had cried and apologized repeatedly for leaving them, y/n trying hard to stay awake as she held her mother, comforting her. She can still recall how her mother's body eventually felt limp in her hands, y/n crying for help until she passed out from her own injuries.

She thought of Louis. She knows how hard he had pushed his feelings down when they watched their mother's casket lower into the ground, holding y/n close as she cried in his arms. She remembers the nights that she caught him crying quietly, finally caving in under the heavy façade of being brave and strong. She'd hold him tight, letting him cry in her arms as her own tears fell.

They had kept their promise to their mother after that, staying together and figuring things out the best they can. They were young, broken and lost, but they tried hard to make things work. At the end of the day, what matters is that they had each other as they navigated life to the best of their abilities. They tried hard for each other in the very little time they had left together. If only they knew.

Now, she's alone. No more arms to run into. No more comforting words. No safe place. Nobody to fall back to. Y/n cried at the thought of it all, still punished by her dreams. She jolted up, awake and gasping for air, her chest heavy with emotions. She cried as quietly as she could, her hand covering her mouth as she sobbed.

Why did you all leave me. Come back. Take me instead, please. I can't do this.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry... I'm sorry that it was me who lived... I get to breath, go through another day when you guys don't, and now look what I've done. I fucked it all up. I can't catch a break.

Any of you would've done better, more worthy of the chance to live. Life keeps kicking me in the gut, playing a sick joke and letting the black sheep watch her whole family die while she worthlessly lives on.

Y/n tried hard to figure out why she was allowed to live this long. She wondered how she was still alive when she has seen and been around so much death. So much pain simmered inside, but underneath, a desperate sense of hope still lives. The hope that her parents and her brother had for them all, for her. Despite everything, she still wants to make it worth it. She decided that though circumstances had cruelly ripped them from her,  the best thing she can do is to carry their memories and they will live through her.

She laid down in bed again, her grief and regret still wracking her in every way. But she held on to that hope she'd found. And within that hope, she found a glimmer of strength. A certain strength that she needed. Even though it was small, it was enough. It had to be. She'll deal with everything one step at a time, no matter how long it takes. Y/n breathed slowly, willing the thoughts and feelings away for now.

She decided to listen to some music to calm down, seeing that the blue heat within her was already dying to escape. In a way, it's almost like it was trying to protect her, always 'firing up' at times when she was distressed. Y/n knew she had to control it, quiet it down soon. She grabbed her phone from the nightstand, opening an app and letting her playlist play randomly on her phone, the music gently escaping the speakers. The intro to Pilot Speed's "Alright" started playing.

Huh. That you Louie? Always with your pep talk to cheer me up. Even now, you could still find ways to annoy me with it.

Y/n smiled wistfully with tears in her eyes. It was one of her and Louis's favorite songs. She fondly recalled how they'd always find ways to hang out with each other. One of the things they liked to do was to show each other songs that they'd found, which usually ended with them sharing a listening session together.

She had always loved the song for the lyrics. It spoke so much for them both on days when they couldn't find the words to say. It still works the same for her until today. She closed her eyes, listening to the song for what seems like the thousandth time by now. She memorized each line, how they made her feel.

I miss you, Louie. I wish you were here. Mom and dad too. What I wouldn't give to see all of you one more time. It's not fair. Never will be. But I promised that I'd try, didn't I? I promised I'd keep going. Maybe I'll find the meaning behind all this someday, if there's any at all. But for now, I'll try.

She relaxed, feeling herself sink into the mattress. Before she knew it, she fell asleep. This time, her dreams didn't bother her. Y/n slept through the night, waking up the next morning with a decision.

She charged her phone as she sat half-awake in bed, scrolling through her contacts until she found the name she was looking for. Agent Rambeau. She thought about it one last time before texting her.

Y/n: Monica. I made up my mind. I'll meet you and Director Rambeau in SWORD.

Y/n waited a while to see if Monica replied. Her fingers tapped the side of her phone. She was nervous but there was no turning back now. She sat up, deciding to brush her teeth while waiting. When she was done, she heard her phone ping. She checked her phone, seeing a message from Monica.

M: Hi, y/n. Sure, we can do that. Also, care to share what you've decided on?

Y/n: Hope you guys have the budget for a killer nanny since I still hate being a science experiment.

M: I hope you don't call her that in front of her. Anyways, I'm glad that you're giving this a chance.

Y/n: Well, I won't be lying, will I? And yes, me too. I'll see you in two, maybe three days, max.

M: You're driving? Are you returning the vehicle you 'borrowed' from before?

Y/n: Ah. That. Well... take if off my paycheck? I was supposed to be evading you guys so... Don't ask what happened.

M: Hmm. We'll talk about it later. Update me if anything. See you soon y/n.

Y/n felt relieved after that, like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. All this running was definitely putting a strain on her, especially the guilt that she felt. Even though neither of her choices weren't exactly appealing, at least the choice was hers this time. Maybe this step will lead her somewhere better. She just needed to trust the process for now and accept assistance from people who genuinely wants to help her.

Y/n still had some questions and doubts in her mind, but she will need to find another way to work through it seeing that a time out was not an option anymore right now. Time out? Hah. Wonder if killer nanny will give me a time out. Y/n laughed to herself at the irony. She got ready, eating a meal before she packed up and prepared to leave for her long drive back to SWORD.