A Journey Through Time

Chapter 2 ~ Seeing Others Struggle & Finding Purpose

It's crazy how universal our experiences are. We all are struggling to find peace in our everyday lives. Struggling to forgive ourselves and allowing ourselves the time and place to feel and be. Being subjected to the pulls and pushes of people that want nothing more than to hurt us. I try my best to be a listening ear for those who struggle with these issues. But I also understand what it's like to be in that position. Feeling like no one cares. Feeling as if you are forever doomed to be alone, and struggling.

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle. When I listened to a podcast episode a couple weeks ago, they talked about the concept of "It's always deeper than you know." You truly don't know a person. You can be married to a person and still don't know who they really are. Still not knowing and loving them the way God knows and loves them. It's so much that goes on inside of us that is literally impossible to explain. And it's hard to sit here and watch someone go through something so universally normal yet painful. Feeling broken and beat down. And no matter how long I can talk to that person, their feelings probably won't change about themselves.

I understand this because I've been in the same position. Being depressed and lonely, talking to people about it, and still feeling depressed and lonely afterwards. Feeling like you are constantly going to be scrutinized, bullied, or shot down, and never truly believing that happiness is possible for you. That kind of stuff makes you feel like a terrible person. It makes you regret every decision you've ever made. It makes you blame yourself for the hurt you are experiencing. Not knowing a way out of the pain you are facing.

To be honest, I didn't know what I was going to write about today. Usually, I only want to write when I have something important to say and when there is something on my heart that I want to let out.

I also thought this day would turn out a whole lot worse than I expected. But I actually felt ok. Despite the craziness of the world, I haven't been feeling the anguish and wrath of people rubbing off on me. I'm no longer letting people set the tone for how my day is going to go. I'm truthfully staying in my own little bubble. But at the same time, I can't ignore what's happening around me. What's happening to the people I care about. I feel like it's chaos at every turn. Every day, everywhere I look, a new tragedy pops up. And all of these tragedies are happening to people I love. People who helped me get through things. It's hard for me not to feel their pain.

I can't just sit back and watch this happen. But there's only so much I can do from my position. It's like a powerless feeling, seeing someone you care about struggling and not being able to do anything about it. You can give out the best advice, but that person may still end up drowning. You reach out your hand and they may never choose to grab it. This is probably how God feels. Constantly seeing His children suffering, yet providing them with blessings, knowledge, and love. And people may never fully receive it. It's so easy for them to give up on themselves and life. I know how it feels to have feelings of not wanting to be here. Obviously I never left this earth but the fact that it was on my mind for years at a time, despite everything God has done to keep me around is crazy. It's like a complex reality. The biggest blessing God gives us (which is life) is the thing that can bring us the most suffering. We're here because God wants us to be here. Simple as that. We may never know why He wants us here. But we're here. I'm here. And I want to live my life because God wants me to.

God sees His children do what they do and tries His complete hardest to make sure that we know we are loved by Him. And His children don't fully grasp His love. But God was Jesus. He understood what it was like to know God and feel that love but at the same time question Himself. Dealing with the trials of life and the pain of being in the physical body of a human being. Understanding why it is so hard for us to truly see and hear God. The problem is that this entire world is in the way. Our flesh is in the way. We have to deal with loud noises and pollution. People traumatizing us. The constant demands of life. Most of us don't receive God's true love from anything on earth, but earth is all we know. It's all we see and feel everyday. We don't know what's beyond the stars, what's truly behind this phenomenon of the earth existing. All we know is what we feel in the current moment, which is usually pain.

It's hard to see what a life of living in God's presence truly feels like. It's supposed to feel light and airy. Joy is supposed to fill our entire being. It's supposed to be a feeling so foreign to earth that most people may never understand it. It's like a lost knowledge that we are trying to get back. I'm trying to get back to my childhood days where I was just happy and free and joyful. Where I was just existing. I didn't fully understand how the world worked at the time but I didn't need to. I had teachers I liked and would make friends with random kids at the park. I was a different person back then. It's like I can't even recognize that kid I use to be anymore. And a lot of us lose that aspect of ourselves because of the trials of life.

Life is supposed to be the greatest gift God gives us. It allows us to achieve our purpose through Him. But I don't know what my true purpose is. And maybe I'm not supposed to know. But I just need direction from Him. I need to understand where I need to be at. I need to figure out where my passions are. And really, the answer should be right in front of me. Where is a place that allows me to just exist? Where is a place where I can say what's on my mind? Where's a place where I can create what I want to create?

I don't even know myself. Every time I think about doing things to try figuring myself out, it ends up feeling pointless. The only thing that has felt right has been reading and writing.

I gotta figure out when I can go to the pool or the beach and bring a book with me. Because between writing, reading, and water, something has just been pulling me towards that. And I know it probably sounds crazy. But I want to hear water. I want to feel the breeze in my face. I want to read again. It's just something that I'd rather do as opposed to all the work I'm currently doing. Hopefully I'll be able to make time to do those things for myself in the future.