A Journey Through Time

Chapter 18 ~ Isolation

I've been sad all day. Desperate to be alone. Tired. I had basically cried myself to sleep last night, barely getting much sleep. I feel like I'm living in this constant fear that has hung over me for a while. Scared of getting hurt and bruised over and over again. Scared of false hope. A lot of my fear stems from pain. Pain from friends, family, and relationships. Pain from rejection and bullying. I was so used to not having friends, and not having family. My dad being physically and emotionally absent. My mom being physically present but emotionally absent. My sister was literally all I had for so long. My sister was the only constant in my life.

This dude I had wrote about. The guy that keeps me in a torn up place. He became my second constant. He's grown up and changed, but he's still the same awkward dude I know when I first met him. He's still so loving to me. And that's what hurts me the most. But whose burden is it to carry the hurt? I've carried the pain for so long. I was used to it. Now I want better for my life.

Deep down in my soul, I just want love. I want to be accepted for me. I want security. I know that I'll be ok. Logically I feel like most people know that they will be ok, and that they won't die. But it never ever feels that way. It always feels like your about to die, every time a hurt comes along.

I can't even pinpoint why I'm sad. It's probably a mix of tiredness, stress, or both. Wanting to just avoid everything and anything. Wanting to just run away and be alone. This is what I do, even though it's not right to isolate myself. Isolation was the only place I felt safe.

But now I'm technically not isolated anymore. I was never isolated all this time. When I would try to isolate myself, it wouldn't be for too long. My sister would barge into my room, or my mom. I would be in classes with other people all the time. I would sit on the bus with people all the time. Trying to hide and be alone behind a big black hoodie. I did everything I could to be alone, to be safe. And I would be successful only to a fault. Eventually someone would find me and try to drag me out.

I would be tempted to leave my isolation over and over again for a glimpse of love and hope, just to get hurt, which further justified my isolation. My own isolation was the reason for my loneliness for so long. I desperately wanted love and friendship but kept myself in the dark, too scared to be in the light. Uncomfortable around people. That was me for most of my college career. Self conscious of my every move, of every word that I would say. Hiding behind headphones and baggy clothing. Hiding in places few people knew about. Just focusing on school and nothing more. That was my life. That was my literal armor.

I took a break from him because I wanted to isolate myself. That's where I felt safe. I no longer felt safe in his presence, even if it was virtually. I don't even know if I feel safe now. That's why my finger is on the the trigger. Yet I'm too scared to pull it. I had thought I had this all under control. But clearly I don't. And just when everything else is a burden or stressor in my life, this tops all of that. It's like nothing in my life ever wants to go right. I would bury myself in my studies because that was the only thing I could control. That was the only way I was able to prove to myself that I was worthy of anything. That I mattered and that the work I do matters.

It's crazy how that used to be me. I still remember that person I used to be. But I'm also completely different now. I'm more fed up with life. I've seen every hurt. I know people have gone through pains greater than I can even fathom, but I rarely see people as strong as me able to fight through it. People who are able to be as refined as me from all the pain I had been through. I rarely see this level of maturity, even in adults older than me. I see people who are hurt, but they lash out. They hurt other people because of their hurt. And I admit, I lash out sometimes too. But goddammit I apologize when I do someone wrong. If anything, I beat myself up for being hurtful towards other people.