A Journey Through Time

Chapter 85 - Finding Myself

I'm so tired. Why do I need to discover my dream career now? What if I never have one? I keep trying to tell myself that I know what I want. Deep down it feels like that is true. I'm constantly masking how tired I am, how annoyed I am, how bored I am. The thoughts continually rolling through my head are probably doing so because I don't express them. I'm always wearing a mask, always pretending to be fine when I'm not, and always holding back instead of expressing my opinions, always caring about what other people think. It's exhausting. Yet I've been doing it my whole life. I'm scared. I used to express myself freely without question. I had friends and didn't have one thought as to what they thought about me. But now I feel like a statue. I'm just here but I have no personality, no wants or needs, no clear vision of my future because I've subconsciously allowed others to choose that for me.

I wish I could just dream of my future without factoring in the pressures and constraints of my environment. If I had all the resources, time, and freedom in the world, I would probably do so many different things. But then when I think about it, I wouldn't have a clue what I would want to do. And I think I would be so tired from working, that I wouldn't do anything at all but sleep all day. I feel so disconnected, so disjointed.

I don't know how to have fun. My version of fun is constantly escape. The whole fasting process, I've just been thinking about when it'll end so that I could go back to escaping. Am I just sad? Is that why I can't identify a path to go on? Is that why I never know what I want to do with my life and all I want to do is do nothing or escape?

There are things that naturally light me up, like creativity, meaningful relationships, making a positive impact, authenticity, freedom, security, organization, and rest. But during this fast, I haven't been wanting to do these things.

I haven't been inclined to do something creative because I don't want to waste time. I don't want to use it as a distraction. I already know that I like to do artwork. I want to know if it relates to my purpose. I want to go deeper than the art itself.

I haven't been talking to my friends because I feel like I fast better when I'm alone. I'm in a self exploration phase. I need to understand myself better. I don't want to discuss it with others because I don't want them to influence my desires.

I've been making positive impacts through my job. But I haven't been challenged. It's easy work it's just tedious work. I don't mind doing the work. I know that its part of the job. But I think the question I keep asking myself is what kind of impact do I want to make. What specific problems in the world do I want to tackle? What is that I care about most when it comes to work? Do I care about the money? Do I care about the type of work I'm doing? Do I care about the people I work with? Do I care about what others might say about my work? I know that no matter what I do I can make a difference. I think I just don't know what to care about. There's so many things I could care about, but I think the problem in the world is that some people care about certain problems more than other problems. It's hard to say that one problem is more severe than the other. You can't really compare problems right now. The only problem I care about is my own mental well-being because I can never figure out how to fix it. I'm always busy serving others problem-solving for others, but I can never solve my own problems and I think I'm tired of ignoring them or just not dealing with them. But I don't know if that's what I meant to do if I'm just meant to care about myself. I'm supposed to be serving others. I'm just tired.

I can't find the peace or the contentment with life that I'm searching for until I love myself, until I admit that I'm hurting and need love. One of the things I desire most is authenticity. I can't achieve that until I can be me, freely, without fear or annoyance. My true 100% self lives within me. But I've never let her see the light of day. Not until I met him. That's why I want him so bad. That's why all I see is him. And a part of me didn't want that, because I don't want to make my life all about him. I want to be able to live without needing him. But he's the only person that helps me learn what it's like to exist and be me. He's the only person I feel comfortable doing that with.

I don't want to stress myself out anymore. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to be forced into a career that's just going to weigh me down. I like the structure that a 9-5 provides, but do I want to work a 9-5.