A Journey Through Time

Chapter 7 ~ I Feel Empty

It feels like a part of me is gone. Someone I'm friends with did something terribly wrong and it could possibly affect him, me, and a lot of other people around him in a very negative way. He has messed up before, but this time, it's really bad. He wrote a note about his experiences that I just couldn't read and still haven't. I had already talked to him about some of the stuff I assume he mentioned, but there might be other things in there that I don't know about. Either way, he has isolated himself from everyone. I can't even get myself to reach out to him.

Its hard because like I can't just sit here, knowing that he is suffering to such a large degree. But he left for me and the rest of our friend group to clean up the mess he made. I'm upset with him. I feel bad for him. And I know that he probably needs space right now. But it feels like he just left. It feels like he's gone, like physically and mentally left this earth. Yesterday I was worried that he might do something to hurt himself after finding out everything. But I know his partner is looking out for him. And I've been wanting to reach out to her as well. She's been going through it too. But I just can't get myself to do it. I don't even know what I would say.

Because of this I've honestly been isolating myself. It's been hard for me not to escape this pain that I've been feeling, from what happened and just the stress this entire season of spring has brought on me. I don't wanna talk about what happened with him anymore with anybody. I feel like I can't do that without feeling it deep in my chest. When all of this happened, a wave of anxiety washed over me. I couldn't even eat. I couldn't even focus. The whole time it felt like a piece of me was just gone.

I'm not ok with all of this. How can I be? It feels like the emptiness of death. But I've been trying to focus on other things, like my work and the other responsibilities.

I'm still struggling with my fear of not having a career path that feels like Gods calling for my life. Pushing my focus on exploring and creating has helped, but I still haven't found a concrete path yet. I feel like I've just been stumbling into ideas, which isn't a bad thing, but I still feel like something is missing.

I don't wanna stress about this problem I've been having with myself anymore. I wanna keep focusing on God's voice. Sometimes I hear Him and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I be distracting myself because my feelings don't make any sense. And sometimes I don't know if God is telling me to stop and do nothing or to keep going.

I just need to get my mind back to how it used to be. I need to get my head out of the clouds and back on the ground. Nothing makes sense right now. Everything seems formless and it's been hard for me to focus on anything. I'll be walking somewhere and forget where I'm headed. My body and mind has been feeling weak. I just want more clarity and not this cloud of mental tiredness. I also want a sense of productivity and accomplishment. All I really want is to have a goal that feels right for me and work tirelessly towards it.