A Journey Through Time

Chapter 64 - Some Kinda Hope

I haven't been able to be at peace with myself. It always feels like there's a problem I'm constantly trying to fix. And for the longest, I couldn't find the point in trying to fix them, since I feel like I've tried everything.

Regardless of how terrible I feel, a part of me always has some kind of hope. I still don't give up in trying to fix them. I don't quit life. But if I'm going to believe in this hope, I need to be in a place where I can live unapologetically. That is what I'm so afraid of. Even if I make stupid mistakes and suck at life, my biggest fear is to choose to live it anyways, and own my truth. Every time I've tried in the past, it left me hurt and hating myself even more.

I know what it is I want and what I don't want. I know how ridiculous I look sometimes. It's just being willing to tell other people what I want and allowing other people to witness my ridiculousness, especially when I have no control over how it comes out. I need to be in a place where I have my mind made up. Where I express my feelings openly, not caring if I hurt other people's feelings because that is outside of my control. But at this point it just feels like an imagination.

I'm not going to rush any feelings of contentment. I'm not going to force myself to be happy. I'm also not going to avoid feelings of sadness or anger either. I'm just going to focus on my instincts and live life. This is a kind of journey that I want to go on alone right now. I don't want help.

I don't mind listening to what people have to say, but just as I want to be self reliant in terms of my finances, I want to be self reliant in terms of my personal wellbeing. That way, when something happens to me, and nobody else is around, I'll be fine. But at the same time, I don't want to be the cause and the cure for my own suffering.