A Journey Through Time

Chapter 66 - What Do I Do Now?

I feel like I've overcome every possible hurdle there is to overcome with myself. But still, it just feels like there's something missing. It still feels like I'm supposed to have another goal. Or maybe there's still another problem I have to solve.

What if I'm supposed to be doing more than just enjoying my hobbies or listening to music, or reading books or watching tv shows? Maybe I'm not striving for anything important.

I'm very much aware that there's still things about myself that I need to work on. But even then, once those things are "taken care of," what's next?

When I read things about feeling lost and stuck, it always brings to me to the idea of trusting my intuition, which is something I've always talked about striving for in the past. But intuition is hard when your mind is literally blank. It's hard when all I want to do is escape everything with distractions like listening to music or reading books. The things I truly want are out of reach right now. There's only so much I can do from my current position. I can't drive. I can't essentially be my own boss. I have to get up early everyday to go to work. And I have to do the job and do it well. And then come back home and figure out other ways to use my time. I end up just using it to spend time with my family.

What am I supposed to do when I have no achievable goals?

What if I don't wanna think about negative things like my sadness or my inability to be completely authentic or my lack of skills? What if I just want to live for once? What if I'm tired of healing? What if I'm just exhausted from work?

I'm always going to feel a way about things. It's always going to be a little piece of me that's scared or confused about something. I'm not going to be comfortable when it comes to things like sharing what's on my mind. I overthink. I'm my own worst enemy half the time. I always have intrusive thoughts. But I'm trying to love myself through it all. I don't want to let myself down again. I don't want to promise myself love and end up giving myself nothing but pain. All I am is flaws. We all are. I get mad when people expect too much from me. I get mad at myself when I make mistakes or when I expect too much from myself. Like, I'm not always going to remember to do things. I'm not always going to be this happy cheery person at work. I'm gonna be forgetful and am not always going to be performing at my best. I'm only human. It's when people expect me to be flawless and unhuman that it messes me up.

Every time I go through a depressive episode I always feel like a new person on the other side. If I ever get depressed again, the result may as well be death. Every mental episode is worse than the last and the last one felt like I was very close to the end. Mostly because I expected sunshine this time. I have so many good things going for me. It feels like I end up making it harder for myself for no reason. Every time I write down my feelings, I feel like I'm speaking from a different perspective, even if the feelings remain the same. I don't even feel like the same person. I keep changing. And it's impossible for me to feel completely in tune with myself when I keep changing. Changing but also for some reason feeling like I've stayed the same.

I haven't faced every issue I've dealt with. I kinda don't even want to. Like the issue with my dad for example. That issue has never truly went away, but I just don't talk to my dad. That's me dealing with it. And it's been something I haven't had to worry about. At least for now. Pushing things to side seems to be the only cure sometimes. If it comes up again, it comes up again, but if it doesn't then it doesn't.

I know there are some issues that will remain until I fix them. And of course I won't feel like fixing them. But just like in my "Truth" chapter, I've committed to just being as truthful as possible instead of being defensive. The problem is when my truth is rejected. When it seems like I'm just making "excuses." I have anger that lashes out in a cold way when my truth isn't accepted. And I wish I was better at controlling it. I can control it if I push it down and don't express it. But when I express it, I end up coming off angry and hurtful.

If I ever get approached by my issues, I just have to be honest and brace for impact. I feel like I'm always bracing for impact every time I bear my soul, mostly because my soul is always so heavy. When I share myself, it's just so much of it. Sometimes I end up sounding like a psychopath that needs serious help. And I feel so naked and almost alienated. I'm working on my communication skills and I want to get better at being honest but also not being overly honest either. It's just so hard to share how I feel without sharing literally everything.