A Journey Through Time

Chapter 32 ~ Am I Doing The Right Thing?

Most of the time I would say that I am a selfless person. But in the past, even though I did volunteering and things, I wasn't caring for myself. I was doing things to gain approval and love because I didn't love myself. I used to work to escape my feelings or to please my family. I literally never asked myself what I wanted to do, until I was in college. More accurately, I probably didn't ask myself that question until after I graduated from college.

From my experience, most people's actions are motivated by money but really, by taking care of their family, because that's where most of their problems arise. Relationships fail because of money. Children grow in households that reflect a lack of money and you see the effects of that.

I recently started watching a show that showcases real everyday people, some living paycheck to paycheck, getting up and going to work every single day to make a living. That's what I saw growing up. Money was never a motivator for me but it's what has caused most of my childhood hardships.

In college I focused on my hardships as a first generation college student. Most of the work I did involved helping students so that they don't make the same mistakes I did when I started college. I didn't make financial mistakes but I saw my family make mistakes in the past. Now we are in a better place financially but that was still a major part of my life. I always knew it was a problem but it I couldn't do anything about it at the time (probably fueling my feelings of uselessness). I feel like I've just always been pressured to make a lot of money one day, not necessarily knowing how, just doing what my mom tells me to do.

I'm scared of striving for more money. I don't want to be desperate for money. I don't want to promise prosperity to my family just to let them down. It's a scary thing. I'm still not in the mindset of doing this just for me. I don't volunteer to benefit me. I don't make money to benefit only me. I naturally do it for my family and for others.

I feel good about myself when I do things for others. Yes, I develop skills and earn income but the work always involves giving back.

I already tell myself that I'll get to where I need to be financially and mentally. I tell myself that my ultimate purpose will reveal itself and I believe that my purpose will be complex and not just a straight line. But I also have to be fully committed and prepared to do the work that is required to get to where I want to be. Which means I have to be committed to the work of being a lifelong giver, and ultimately a lifelong friend.

I have to trust that I'll reach financial freedom for myself through the act of blessing others (which is ultimately God's command to us). Blessing others is the priority, not necessarily myself. I can sacrifice my time to help others but I can't sacrifice my boundaries, my peace, or other essential aspects of myself. It's always a balance to these kinda things. I can take care of others, which will in turn allow me to take care of myself and vice versa.