A Journey Through Time

Chapter 37 ~ Feeling Lost Again

What's written below was what I initially wrote for my first chapter "Feeling Lost." A lot of what I wrote in that chapter has been resonating with me lately. I currently feel lost in my life right now, not truly feeling like myself. I don't know what's going on but I haven't been feeling comfortable with myself. Not feeling present in my life. Feeling tired all the time. Feeling lonely. I don't really know what's going on with me. But this passage sums up what I've been feeling. So here it is rewritten below:

Throughout my whole life, I never knew what I truly wanted to do. I knew that I liked doing arts and crafts when I was younger. I also liked hanging out with my sister. But it feels like I can't tap back into those times anymore. While I did enjoy doing those things, I was so used to hating myself and having a miserable life where I never did anything for myself. I was also used to living life with a bunch of distractions to get me through the day. Everything I did was a distraction. Homework, video games, watching shows on tv, being in relationships that didn't serve me. Even making music and doing arts was a distraction.

To this day, I still struggle with music being a distraction for me. Sometimes it feels like I can't even get through the day without some music. Sometimes it also feels like I have to be on social media all the time just to get by.

When I'm by myself with my thoughts and no distractions, I am usually not happy. I know that the times where I am truly happy are the times when I'm grateful. But sometimes it's hard to be grateful when my mind is constantly all over the place. I have so many things in my brain that it's like I can't seem to process anything. I can easily get forgetful and focus my attention on other things instead of my actual emotions. All I truly want in life is to be able to sit down and immediately be aware of what it is I am feeling and what it is I want to do in the present moment. Even more so, what God wants me to do in the present moment. I want to access the intuition that tells me to go in a certain direction, regardless of how risky and nerve wracking it may be.

Being able to just hear His voice. That's all I really want. Because I'm always non-stop and never get a moment to just be with Him. If I could, I would just quit everything I'm doing, just to get one minute with God. But I've already traveled so far in this journey. God has literally brought me through so many battles. I can't necessarily stop what I'm doing right now. I'm so close to that ultimate finish line. But I'm so tired and exhausted. And I don't know what it is I truly want right now, having worked my butt off all this time. Now, every step I make doesn't feel like a step I truly want to take. Everything that I'm doing right now feels like a distraction. Like an automation. Like a ghost of who I truly am.