A Journey Through Time

Chapter 58 ~ The New Me

In the morning, everything will look how it normally does. I wake up, use the bathroom, brush my teeth, pick out an outfit to wear and head downstairs. I figure out what to eat for breakfast and pack my lunch. I go back upstairs to do my hair and put my coat on, and then off to work.

Commuting is what it normally is. Sight seeing, enjoying the same view I normally see. Trying to stay out of the cold. Not trying to escape any kind of reality. Living in the present and enjoying my own company.

Walking into work, genuinely greeting everyone I meet. Making it to my desk and getting to work. Making sure I complete all my major tasks before lunch. Being ok with anything that runs along my path, including free time. Embracing and rolling with the tides.

I'm more talkative than usual. Focusing the attention on others by asking them questions. Not focusing on my appearance or trying too hard to be "normal" with my body language. Allowing the words and thoughts to flow naturally. Knowing I am supported by my fellow colleagues around me. Knowing I can go to them if I need them. Knowing I'm ok overall.

After a long day of work, I would be content with the commute back home. Anticipating greeting my dog. Greeting my family. Eating a good meal. Looking forward to reading a good book, watching a captivating series, crocheting something nice. Taking a shower before it gets too late. Making sure I'm reaching out to a friend and making an effort. The new me would like talking to people, because the fear of what they would say or do would be out of the question. The new me would be the revamped version of the old, child like me. The one who always made a new friend on the playground.

I don't think about the past. I think about the future, but only if it's important. I know that I'll be safe and that my work will pay off every time. Whatever I'm working on is coming to fruition and means something.

I allow myself to laugh but not get too caught up in random social media videos to the point where I'm wasting precious hours of my time. I know my limits and act on them. I look at my smile and attach no feelings toward it. I look at myself and attach no feelings towards myself. When I look at me, I see me, and nothing else. Nothing good, and nothing bad. No emotion whatsoever. Like looking at an average picture of a lake. This is what the new me would be like.

When fear, shame, embarrassment, and other negative emotions are out of the equation, I am truly me. I don't know if that would be the best version of me, but it's definitely a version. I guess it would be the plain version. I would be merely existing. Allowing life to come and go, without too much thought on it. My life would be blissful, even though I'm not rich or living lavishly whatsoever. The amount of money I have means nothing in this version of my life.

This version of me is free. Without needing to add or remove anything from her life. Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain. The only motive she has is living her life. Whatever comes, shows up. She looks at it. Pokes at it. Examines it. Whether it be an external problem, a flaw, or an unexpected situation, she looks at it no differently than she looks at a blade of grass. Instead of reacting to it, she picks up the object, or the situation. Plays with it to see if that changes anything. She doesn't try fixing it. If she does end up fixing it, great. If not, then it's ok. She trusts that whatever the problem is, God will deal with it and His will would be done.

She is very sharp and makes sure things get done. She problems solves, the same way she always has. She takes care of her family. She gets up everyday to make it happen. She has her likes. Her dislikes. She does stuff for fun, but doesn't get mad when it gets interrupted with some of her responsibilities. Whatever is handed to her, she takes it and does what she needs to do with it. No questions asked. No feelings attached.

She always works to win, but if she loses, she does not mind. She works with what she has, and follows God wherever she goes. No matter what she does, she knows she is useful to Him. She doesn't question if she's doing the right thing. She doesn't question anything. She knows that she is a blessing to Him and that she will forever be blessed by Him. She knows she is not alone. She can live.