A Journey Through Time

Chapter 77 - Clearly Something is Wrong

I'm always clueless as to what is really wrong with me.

Sometimes I think it's because I'm not following my intuition. Or maybe I'm not doing something I love. Or maybe I feel guilty for always relying on my parents. Or maybe I'm anxious about something, or depressed about something, or even jealous about people who are more of an adult than me. Maybe I'm lonely. Maybe it's always so many things that it never feels like it's concrete, like something I can easily point out.

I don't know what to do. I feel empty. I haven't been this bored since I was in elementary school and would struggle to find things to do back then. At least I had my sister back then. Right now I'm just alone.

I keep trying to figure out what my purpose in life is.

I feel like I'm missing a sense autonomy, fulfillment, and control that I see so many other people have.

I have been lonely because I simply don't talk to other people that often, especially about how I really feel. My emotions, even if I do accept them, still exhaust me. It takes so much out of me when I do express them. I don't wanna continue displaying my issues to my friends. I don't know what I truly am to them, but I don't wanna be the depressed friend that's always sad and has issues. So I don't portray that side of me.

I'm always confused by my own emotions. Sometimes I'm totally fine, and then other times I'm clearly not, but then I question if I'm just overreacting or not seeing things clearly. I question if I've always felt terrible but choose to numb the pain. I try to remind myself of the real truths I mentioned before. I try to think of the blessings I have, and the fact that I can use my time to do what I want. But nothing I do feels right.

I don't know if my emotions, or the lack of expressing them, are the reasons I feel stuck and empty. I feel like I'm not connected to the world. Everyday is the same and I'm not doing anything, so it feels like I'm not even really here. Is this what my depressed self always wanted, to truly end up feeling like I don't exist at all? Like my life is actually done and over because there's nothing left for me to do? Right now I don't have any major goals, just small minor goals that I can easily add to my routine. The biggest one is driving, but even that is a weekly process, 2-4 hours every weekend. It's not a major part of my life. It's a goal that will take me months to accomplish. And some of my minor goals don't have an end goal, like exercising, or meditating each week.

There's still a huge chunk of my life where I find myself having nothing to do and no passion projects. I've simply just been here. I wish that was enough. I wish I was enough.

Why can't I just be normal?