A Journey Through Time

Chapter 41 ~ I Want to Change

I want to change. That's pretty much it.

There's been multiple times where I wish I didn't feel multiple emotions at once. Sometimes I don't really like how complicated my feelings are. It gives me headaches and makes me want to isolate myself more and more.

And me isolating myself puts me back into the same situation I don't wanna be in. I want to change that isolation habit I have but it's hard. I've been doing that my whole life. It's either socializing or isolation. I wanted hide all the time because I didn't like who I was. Do I still feel that way?

It feels like I have to literally pretend to be a different person in order for me to actually change. And I guess I want to change because I actually don't like who I am right now.

I'm also struggling because I'll think that I'm fine until I think of him again, thinking of the way he used to look at me, wondering what I must've looked like through his eyes. What was my personality? Did I even have one? What did I look like? Who was I to him?

I want to change who I am but I feel like I don't even know who I am now. I know I've grown but I don't exactly know how. And I don't even know if I like this new version of me. I'm still not satisfied with who I am and I don't know how to change that.

Now that we're apart, my feelings for him feel stronger than they did in the past. There's no looming doom over our heads about whether a long distance relationship would even work. Now that possibility is dead and all that's left is an unusable love. I never stopped loving him which is the problem. I'll go through life, thinking my grieving is over, and then he'll pop up in my head one day. And then I'm going through the same hidden emotions all over again.

That's the thing too. Because my emotions be so complicated and annoying, I end up hiding them most of the time. So I'll have all these emotions pinned up inside of me. And I'll never end up feeling comfortable sharing them with anyone. I even wonder if people reading this book find my emotions and thoughts annoying. A lot of my thoughts be repeating thoughts. I've already felt this way before, hundreds of times. And now I'm feeling this way again. And it's like there's no escape.

And then there's another issue. Why is it so hard for me to hear God's voice? God has been telling me where to go, I just haven't been following it. And it's not because I don't want to, I just don't feel ready. And I know that I'll never feel ready, but it feels like I need to become a new person in order to fully step into this new chapter of my life and make positive change. I want to follow God. I just don't know how to while being trapped in this old body.

Fasting has been so hard for me to do. I'll be successful with some things, like getting rid of the social media distraction, but then other things will distract me. I'll end up listening to music even though I told myself not to. And it makes me mad when I do things (or don't do things) that don't align with what I know is right or with what God is telling me. I can hear God, I know what He's saying, I'm just not doing anything. And I don't know why I can't seem to budge.

I have to take an active stance in my life. I can't just do a little here and there, hoping for the results I strive for. If I want to change and be a better person, and see the results of those changed habits, I have to take real action.

Change starts with going after my small intuitions. I need to listen to what my body is telling me. What my mind is telling me. I know what I need to do but I've been ignoring it. I just need to listen. And that's ultimately what fasting in the past did for me. It made me listen to what my body is telling me instead of ignoring it.
My intuition never fails me, so why don't I trust it right now?

In the "Following My Curiosities" chapter, I wrote down things that I know I need to implement into my life in order to see the true change I need. I need to build connections with people. I can't be afraid to socialize. If anything, I need to learn how to do it so that when I am doing it, I feel confident. I don't know if communication skills come first or if confidence does but I need help with this area.

When I do socialize with people, it never feels completely genuine. The only way for me to genuinely socialize and not feel like I'm forcing anything is actually enjoy it. But no average introvert enjoys doing that.

I've been prioritizing rest. I haven't been writing down my thoughts because they've just been feeling redundant, but I have to, otherwise I'll never end up expressing my feelings.

The biggest thing I need to do is fast. That forces me to follow me intuition and listen to what my body is telling me. It also calms me down and gives me more focus because nothing is distracting me. It even forces to confront my thoughts. With socializing, which is a big risk for me, I also need to stop playing it safe with life and take more risks. If I want to do something, I should do it, regardless of how scared I am. I need to take ownership of my life. I also need to read more. If I'm confused about something, I need to learn. Instead of being stuck, I need to get out of my head and figure out a solution to my problems. Allowing myself to feel and take care of my body's needs is only part of it. I have to also look at my current situation and figure out a solution that will help me get to where I need to be (for example, being more sociable and actually taking the time to text and call people). I need human connection. I've been feeling lonely and I know it's a problem. But I need to fix it instead of ignoring it.

What helped me was finally being real, not only with myself but with other people. What helped me truly heal was being completely vulnerable. I was able to learn about how to be better mentally and emotionally, but in order for it to apply, I had to practice it. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want every action I make to be marked with an underlying fear. I know the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to live, I just don't know how to get there yet.
I have to be ok with the outcomes of my life. If I step out of my comfort zone, becoming more sociable, becoming a more outgoing person that isn't afraid, I can't worry about the outcome of that. The possible outcomes is what's keeping me afraid. I need to step into my true self without being afraid of what people may think. If I do get hurt in life, I gotta take care of myself through it.

I thought I was healed. Why am I still on this earth? What is it that I still need to do, God? I feel like I've already lived and done so much. It's a good that I get to create my life but at the same I'm so tired. I don't want to write another chapter if it's just going to be the same thing. I don't even want to have anymore of these deep thought out realizations with myself. I really just want to live. This is what I mean when I say that I'm tired of my emotions. Why does everything have to be so deep? I can't just enjoy a nice day out by myself? Why am I even sad? I have a great life right now. I'm blessed. It's just really frustrating. And because of this familiar yet unusual sadness, I can't even enjoy the gifts God has given me. I enjoy them for a moment and then it goes away. And I don't understand why I'm like this? Lonely and sad. Wanting to be a different person so badly. Why can't I just step into who I truly am? Why can't I just be happy with who I am? I know fear is holding me back but why can't I seem to overcome it? What does this fear even have on me?

This feeling is what made me want to quit life. I was tired of me and my emotions. I was tired of being miserable from the external parts of life but I was also tired of beating myself up. Most of my frustration came from wanting to change me, but it was out of self hatred. Right now I want to change but it feels like it's out of self annoyance. It's out of being fed up with being the same person I was all those young teen years of my life. I'm not a teenager anymore. I want to be a fully functioning, confident adult. I want to be different. I shouldn't be living with fear. I've healed multiple aspects of myself and I've learned from my mistakes. I unlearned and relearned how to be a better person to myself. I did the work to overcome (most of) my depression. Why does it feel like I haven't changed? At first it felt like I had changed. But it also has felt kind of the same.

I feel like I'm annoying. Mostly to myself. How can I change if I'm been the same way my whole life? Now look at me, not believing that I can change. This is my problem, I know that right now I have a fixed mindset. I know that in order to grow and feel better about it I have to have a growth mindset. And I've struggled with it but I know when to catch myself and get out of that fixed mindset. I logically know all the concepts of the mind.

I have to allow my life to play out and not try to control it. If I'm being myself and it backfires, it won't be comfortable but I'll be ok. I'm not going to die from being myself. I can try my best to be open but I can also be honest if it's challenging for me. I can tell people the truth about how I'm feeling. This whole chapter was a mess.