A Journey Through Time

Chapter 59 - Living

I've just been living. Not thinking about the consequences of anything. Pretending everything negative that I ever wrote about never happened. Brushing off every single worry and memory.

I've just been fine. Nothing has happened. But I tend to always wait for things to happen, mostly bad things.

I'm scared of what my family thinks of stuff I've been struggling with because their opinions do have consequences that can negatively impact me. I have to live with them. I just pretend the things I'm scared of, and the problems that have remained, aren't even there. I do it so that I don't have to tell them about it. I also do it for myself, so that I don't have to drain my mind from thinking about it all the time. That way I can actually focus on living.

I'm wondering how long this will last. I still don't like myself. Sometimes I can go through the day not thinking that but then other times the thought just randomly seeps through. I go from wanting to die to being just fine.

I am going through life with no preset direction. Just going with the flow. And as much as I love a plan, I have no plans right now. Including no plans to fix anything wrong with me. Just brewing small jealousies of people in a better position than me. False hopes of wanting the life I constantly witness in the media as usual.

I'm trying. I am here, still breathing. And I don't think of myself or my problems. Right now I'm simply pretending that my problems don't exist. I'm even thinking of my blessings even more so than usual. Especially because this world is literally a mess with people who are simply dying.

I'm thinking about other stuff, even though thinking of other stuff hasn't been helping as much as I would like. Sometimes everything feels worthless. The music I listen to doesn't seem that pleasing anymore and shows I watch aren't doing anything for me.

Happiness or sadness isn't even important to me anymore, and I don't know when it will be important to me again. I currently don't care about any of it. I'm not trying to obtain one and avoid the other. I'm not thinking of any emotions, whether I have them or not. I just don't care anymore. And I'm not upset about not caring. If anything, I'm just accepting that I don't care.