A Journey Through Time

Chapter 56 ~ The Problem

I can't talk to people about my problems and how they make me feel. Being sad is one thing. Not being able to express it is another. I don't wanna cry when I talk about it. I don't want to shed another tear. I'm killing myself from constantly trying to change my ways. I end up hating myself and my feelings because of the frustration it causes me. Wondering why my mind thinks that killing myself would save me and bring me life.

My feelings are always so big. Taking up so much space in my mind. Why am I so affected? Immobilized by it all. Maybe it's because I don't share it. I'm constantly bottling it up.

I've talked about my problems a million times in this book. My failed relationship. How I really feel about myself. I've talked about my situations. My fears. My impossible expectations for myself. My never ending struggle.

Why is it so hard for me to tell people this? What would happen if I did? I've talked about accepting the fact that I may lose everything if I finally start being myself. But the truth is it's all unknown. What my friends would say, what my family would say. I don't know if any of it would help or make me feel worse. I've experienced feeling worse more so than feeling better when I finally opened up in the past. And I don't want to go through the visible vulnerability and shedding of my problems. I want to be understood, not just seen and judged and unsupported. I want my situation to change. I want to find a tangible solution to it all.

At the same time, I don't even want to be sad. I don't even want these problems to exist. The real and imaginary problems that keep happening. I know I'm hurting me. I don't know how to change. I'm trying to see things in God's point of view. I'm trying to trust Him. I know my abilities are limited compared to His. I'm trying to hear Him. I'm trying to figure out what it is He wants me to do next. But nothing has been clear. Do I tell my family about my feelings or not? Do I tell my friends about my feelings or not? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I want to do the right thing. But I'm also tired of trying to make myself feel better. I don't wanna cry but I also don't want to hold my emotions down.