A Journey Through Time

Chapter 78 - Why It Feels Like I've Given Up

What matters most to me?
What am I willing to invest time and energy in?

relationships
health
happiness and fulfillment
security and stability
personal growth and achievement
God
freedom and independence
helping others and making a difference
adventure and experiences

I've invested energy into my relationships before but end up back to square one where I still feel alone.

I've invested time and energy into self-improvement and reading books about it, just to find myself feeling empty again. I've invested my time and energy into all kinds of things. But it feels like none of it matters to me anymore.

No matter how much I crave security and stability, I find myself in a place where my life isn't stable. We're hoping to move soon. I have to start looking at higher paying jobs. My life could change again for the 100th time.

I love God and thank Him for everything, especially for saving my life, but I also find myself feeling unsatisfied, wishing I had more. More money, more time with friends, more confidence, more stability, and more of a clearer purpose.

Freedom and independence are still important to me, and I've invested time into setting myself up to be an adult, but I feel far from it. I may be able to make some decisions on my own, but my parents still have ultimate control over my life.

I'm even making a difference in the community and I'm spending time with family doing a variety of different things and having fun experiences, but none of it matters if I'm just not ok.

The last resort was investing more time in my hobbies since there's nothing else for me to do, but even that loses its value after a while. There's only so many shows and episodes I could watch, or books I can read, or things I can crochet. Either way, I'm not ok.

That's not to say that I'm not going to invest time into these things. I plan on attending more networking events. I plan on utilizing LinkedIn learning, and I still plan on doing my hobbies. I plan on reaching out to friends, and participating in community events. I'm gonna track my physical wellness and I'm gonna keep journaling my thoughts and feelings. I also plan on doing Bible study. But I also know that after it's all said and done, after investing time into each aspect of my life, there will still be an empty gaping hole inside of me waiting to be filled.