A Journey Through Time

Chapter 22 ~ How Am I Supposed to Face This?

I'm confident that I'll pass my tests. I'm not worried about them. It's just the fact that my whole life is going to change. My whole entire life. I've already moved passed the unknown parts of it all. I've accepted it and I'm no longer super worried about it. But I thought I would be happier around this time. I thought I would be happier that I am now, and more engaged. But I'm so exhausted. This week has been the craziest week ever, crazier than the last one I had mentioned.

I consistently have not been getting enough sleep and I haven't been eating as properly as I should. But during this hectic time, I also feel the most connected to my friends. I don't want these moments with them to end. I'm sure I'll continue to see them in the future and keep in contact. But I know it will be less frequent. Our lives are not going to be completely aligned anymore. Everything is changing. This season is almost over.

It feels like death but at the same time it feels like a new life. I'll finally be able to breathe once I'm done with it all. But at the same time, I haven't been able to fully breathe this entire time, especially during these last few years of this journey. It's like I can't feel anything but I can also feel everything. Face planting on the ground at the finish line and passing out. My legs no longer able to move anymore. My heart beating slower in my chest. So thirsty I can't even drink water. I don't know how else to describe it all. I've never felt this feeling before. And I don't like it. It's a heaviness in my heart that is so heavy it almost hurts.

It's like I'm too scared to go on. Too scared to see what's beyond this place I've been living in for so long. It feels like my life is just passing me by before my eyes every single day. Like my life is shorter than it really is.

It feels unreal, like a high speed train that just won't stop. A destination I have to reach. All of this has to end. There's nothing I can do hault it.

This accomplishment just feels so unreal. Leaving high school was a different feeling than this. Of course I was ready to go but my next destination was a lot clearer. And even though I accepted this journey as it came, I never imagined it being so mentally taxing. There's been so many times where I thought I would never make it to where I am today. I've wanted to quit over and over again. And now next week is officially the last week of my journey. Another journey like this won't happen again for a long time. And course that can be a good thing. I do need a well deserved break. But now all I feel is emptiness. And I know I'll feel even emptier after it's over. I'm probably gonna be crying and I'm pretty sure I'm going to want someone to take me back to this time in my life. It's the fear. I wish I wasn't so scared for this moment.

I also feel really restless. I can't even fall asleep. I can't even fully relax. My mind is just swirling, and all I want to do is pull the brakes. I'm scared of ending these times. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of my future life. I just want time to stop. I feel like I can't handle another big change. Another crazy journey. I just started getting closer to friends I can see myself truly being with forever. There's battles I still want to help them fight against. There's so many more things we can do together that we haven't done yet.

I'm also really exhausted, to the point where I feel like I can't even do anything. There's only a drop of motivation left in me. Two weeks from now, my life will be like a blank white screen. There will be a peacefulness to it, but also an emptiness, similar to that of death. A part of me will feel like something is missing. I want to hold on to this moment so tight, because I don't want to let go. The way I held on to my middle school best friend during that graduation years ago. I couldn't let go. That was the tightest I've ever hugged that person. And I've never seen them again since that moment.

I don't want people to see this desperation inside of me. This desire to hold on to the last few days of this journey. I've been wanting it to end, especially the grueling parts of it. But I can't seem to let go of it completely. It's the fear of losing it all that is keeping me back. The same way I chose not to interact too much with my person the last day that I saw him. The pain of losing him was so strong that I couldn't even face it. But now I'm losing this life. How am I supposed to face this?