A Journey Through Time

Chapter 50 ~ Something to Say

I'm not sure exactly how I feel. I know that over analyzing my emotions doesn't help, and that's why I haven't been writing as much. I haven't been wanting to delve deep into every single thought. But sometimes my mind is just stuck so I have no better option but to write it down to get it out.

This time I don't know how I feel. I'm not happy. I'm not satisfied. Still unhealed from my break up. Feeling hopeless and powerless because my family might have to move again. These kind of things would naturally make me cry. But I've only shed a few tears so far.

I'm not satisfied with myself. I still hide behind headphones, listening to soothing music to keep me sane. I still feel guilty for doing that, as it might be seen as rude to people. I still hide in my room by myself at night. I still don't share the depths of my feelings with anybody because it's exhausting. I'm just in this unsatisfying in between, where I'm always going to have something to fix. It's always something that comes up. My feelings always have something to say.

I don't want to fix myself. Of course I want to change, and I am working on monthly goals for myself, such as reading the Bible more, doing healthier habits, and talking to people more. But I don't want to fix my current anxieties and fears. Where is clarity and optimism when I need it? I don't wanna move again.

I'm always scared to express my feelings because they never seem to make any sense. Nobody really knows me. This is a tiny fraction of my brain, and of my life. Most people are not interested in it. And I don't care.

I just want to be happy, accomplished, and willing to see the good in each day. I don't wanna worry about the future. I don't want to be scared of interacting with people. I don't want to be so self conscious, cursed with too much self awareness. I wish I didn't know as much about myself as I do. I wish I was oblivious sometimes. Going through life not worrying about all the things I tend to worry about.

Saving my family. That's the core of everything. I wish my family didn't have to worry about money still, after all these years of struggle. I wish we were just ok with where we are right now. I wish we weren't always chasing more money and other things while also chasing stability, a stability that ultimately can never be reached until we buy a home and live like rich people.

If I bought my family a house, most of our problems would go away. We would only have to move once more, and that house can be passed down from generation to generation. We can focus on other things. Bills wouldn't be an issue. We could go on vacations. If I had a lot of money, my mom could retire earlier and enjoy her life. My sister would still be doing what she wants to do, but we would all be ok. We could live the life we've been dreaming of. The life we see rich people live all the time. We could be ok for once.

I don't wanna be tasked with saving my family. But who else is gonna do it? We are all we have.

This why I just I hate it all. I don't want to cry. I don't want to talk about it. This feeling has existed in me ever since I knew we lived in poverty. As a little kid I wanted to save my mommy. I didn't want to see her stressed. My mom and my dad would fight about money ALL the time. That was the biggest problem in our household for years. My mom is the only person in our entire family actually making a decent amount of money now, even though we are still not in the most ideal situation. Everyone else in my family is in poverty and we are one of the few that are middle class. We essentially came from nothing. No kind of foundation whatsoever. We are the foundation now. Me, my mom, and my sister. It's exhausting and I hate that I feel like I have to fix my family's situation.

I hate the cards that I've been dealt. High sensitivity. Low self-esteem. Insecurities. Introvertedness. High expectations. High self awareness. Trauma. Intelligence. Loneliness and isolation. Heartbreak. Endless responsibilities and expectations. Endless dissatisfaction. An endless mind that won't shut off unless I go to sleep. And even then, I get the craziest dreams.

I'm starting to understand why I am the way that I am and why I avoid pain so much. I feel pain so strongly that either I'm stuck in my emotions or I'm so emotionally detached from them in order to protect myself (hence the social media and music addictions, and even more so, the social isolation).

How in the world am I supposed to explain my endless brain? I want to escape and think about something else.

Literally, there's a musical artist that recently came out with a song that resonates with me. I don't want to name the song or anything, but it's about being depressed. The way the artist came out with it, it's like if someone asked her how she is doing, of course she's going to say that she's depressed. All the things that she's been through was on public display. All the stress. All the grief. All the embarrassment. At that point, asking "how is she doing?" would be a stupid question to ask.

She talked about crying every night. She talked about sitting in dark rooms thinking to herself all the time. Talking about being the most blessed person and still not wanting to be alive, kind of what I talked about in the Seeing Others Struggle chapter. Dealing with a failed relationship, anxiety, hitting rock bottom and just begging to God to give her a break from her misery.

And then literally she talks about going through each day, emotionless. Making it through another day over and over again.

I am in a point where I just want to feel better. I'm still going through stuff. I'm in a place where I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go next.