A Journey Through Time

Chapter 8 ~ Me & My Relationship

I've been taking a break from this person for a while now. Me and him have been friends for about eight years and started being together five years ago. We were broken up for three of those five, so we've technically only been together for 2 years. But I've been taking a break from him because I just don't have the energy to maintain a relationship right now. I've been dealing with the stress of my whole life transitioning.

I've also been taking a break because figuring out how to make the relationship work always feels like a burden, considering that things are long distance and that there's no end in sight to the distance. I invest so much time in trying to figure things out and it often feels like I don't get too much out of it. And he is often busy with work and school. So I figured that focusing on ourselves individually would be better for the both of us right now.

But I struggle with missing him. And then it causes me to cave in and start things back up again. I always question whether he really is the one for me. The entire duration of our relationship, I've questioned it. Because he's not physically here with me and I don't know if he will ever be. Both of us don't have our lives fully figured out yet.

But I miss him. Or maybe I just miss the idea of him, or even the idea of love. Maybe I miss the passionate love that I had for him in the beginning of us rekindling things. But a lot of the passion that I miss was based on fantasies and not reality.

That's why it feels like my body just refuses to have those passionate feelings again. It feels like my body refuses to do anything if there is a possibility of me being hurt and dissatisfied, which has happened so many times with him. It's like the love that was there, it's hard for me to fully access it now. I know that if I pick up the phone and talk to him, we can be casual and friendly. He'll be goofy and make me laugh. The friendship would remain the same. But romantically, it's really different. I'll say "I love you" to him but I may not fully feel it. And I don't know where his feelings are. I don't know if they've changed or if they've stayed the same.

Overall, despite me missing him, or really the idea of him, I've thought about the feeling of just being done with him all together. Taking this break has felt like an illusion of us not being together anymore even though that's not entirely true. But I know there are qualities of him that end up keeping me around.

He knows me. I can be my complete self around him. I can be goofy with him. We can be goofy together. I can express my feelings to him. He listens and cares, and processes emotions with me. He's willing to do anything to make this work and gets frustrated when he can't do everything. When I have no one else to talk to, he is always there. I've told him things I haven't told anyone else ever. These are all qualities I've always wanted in a partner. And I know that regardless of everything, he is going to be there for me. Like a false sense of security. Truthfully, he would be there for me the way a husband would. And at this point in my life, I really want to be with someone who wants marriage, which I feel like is a common thing.

But I've also thought about ending things. As soon as I get to a point where I'm willing to do that, I get drawn back. Because my love hasn't gone away. The only way for me to completely drop him is if he does something so foul that I can't even forgive him for it. But he hasn't done anything heinous. And when he does hurt me in a less extreme way, I end up forgiving him, because I know him. I know his flaws and I know he has pure intentions always. That's why it's so difficult.

Because of this constant struggle, we've agreed to open up our relationship (which has not been anything super official) because it would take a lot of the pressure off of me to be with one person that may or may not be the one. Also, opening up the relationship allows me to start seeing someone else on the side in order get my needs met that he hasn't been able to provide.

But since then, I've been craving close romantic relationships less and less. I feel like I don't even have the capacity to love as deeply as I used to anymore. Because I want to reserve that kinda love for a marriage now. If there is no guarantee of us realistically working out, it's hard for me to treat it and love him that same way. But how can I guarantee something that is so hard to predict? You never know if a relationship with another person will last forever. And it's really not fair to put those expectations on anybody because anything could happen.

So with this entire situation going on, I've been treating it casually, hence the eventual break that I initiated. To this day, I haven't made anything official with anybody. But at the same time, I know that I want more, even though I know I don't necessarily need it right now. I don't need marriage right now. I truthfully need to focus on myself and getting my mind together.

My biggest priorities right now are school work, career, graduation prep, and my extracurriculars. I also try to prioritize time with my family whenever I can since I don't see them that often. Just these things alone swirl through my mind every single day. I'm constantly juggling so many feelings at once and when I am overwhelmed with emotion, all I want to do is disappear. My body literally shuts down. I end up paralyzed not being able to do anything and I even end up forgetting things. That's really the reason why I'm writing all of this down so that it can help me feel less overwhelmed with all my emotions.

School work is usually the easiest thing to juggle because I have predetermined deadlines for everything and I know what to expect. Graduation has been stressful not because of securing tickets. I know that securing tickets will be easy. The problem is figuring out who to invite to each ceremony, figuring out my hair, figuring out grad photos, getting my nails done, getting my makeup done or not. All of these frivolous things is what has been causing me stress. I sent my family all the details for everything but I still feel like I need to be the one securing everything.

The hardest things that I have been dealing with has been my relationships, career stuff, and my friendships, all of the non-concrete stuff. The solution really is going with the flow, being in tune with my emotions, and going with what my heart is saying and what God is telling me. And that be hardest thing to fully realize.

I feel like that has been my biggest struggle. Just hearing God. I need to fast again. Maybe that will be my next task that God wants me to do. So far I had went to water, and I had reached out to a few folks to get career advice. But I feel that God has been telling me to fast for a while now. When I initially fasted in the fall, I felt the benefits of it all. It was the first time I willingly praised God all on my own, just thanking Him for everything in my life. I want to fast again and just gain my mental capacity and gratitude again. When I do find myself alone with no distractions, all I want to do is go to sleep. And when I fasted, if my body was telling me to go to sleep, I allowed it to. I want to listen to my body, my mind, and my spirit and allow it to do what it wants.

When I am by myself and I'm not sleepy, I'm constantly questioning if I've forgotten to do a task, or I'm working, or I'm replying to messages. My mind will just be in a fog, where I'm thinking about literally everything at once. I'm always making sure I'm not forgetting anything when I leave somewhere. I'm always thinking about how I'm gonna get all my work done on time. I'm thinking about places I'm gonna go. I think about homework and I think about my friends. I think about the guys I'm talking to. I think about everything. Sometimes I bury certain things because I don't even have time to feel my emotions. But I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to be fully present with myself again.