A Journey Through Time

Chapter 15 ~ The Last Few Weeks

So much has been on my mind. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I keep escaping myself. Fasting has felt impossible. I'll waste hours and hours on social media and gain nothing out of it. Neglecting myself over and over again. My mind has been everywhere all the time. I've had the most fun I've ever had in my life but I've also had the most suffering, and the most tiredness. Counting my blessings but also wanting the day to be over. Not being able to sleep. Hoping, and arguing with God. Figuring out my life. Not wanting to stand still but almost craving it at the same time.

I haven't been writing because of how busy I've been. Putting on programs and literally changing lives, creating legacy. Just creating and having fun. I created a resource guide, something that I've been wanting to do for a while. It seemed like such a small part of the program, but it brought me so much joy in the moment when I was able to see my product come to life. I used my creativity. I was meticulous about every detail. I wanted to go to sleep but my work felt so right and crucial. I've literally been everywhere all at once. Just a whirlwind around me. So much to say. So much work that still needs to be done. So many memories that will probably make me cry later.

I just want to be grateful for my life. I want to be connected with myself and the world. I feel like I know what the world is and I don't at the same time. All I really see is people. People who don't know what they are doing. People who are unknowingly hurting others or themselves. People who do nothing about the problems of the world, and nothing about their own problems. These same people who do nothing end up being the ones struggling the most with depression, anxiety, and all sorts of other issues. These same people are the main ones feeling hurt. These are people who haven't grown up. People who walk this earth but feel like dying every single day.

I've been saying that I need clarity. But is clarity what I really need right now? Or is it something else?

Throughout my life I've been lucky, or I guess it was specifically God's work. My family was lucky to have enough money when we needed it, lucky enough to have food to eat. We were lucky to have each other when we needed it. We were lucky to have connections with other people. My family would've have been on the street if it wasn't for these continuous strings of luck. My mom wouldn't have gotten her car back after it was repossessed. The place that got us out of homelessness was based on pure luck alone. If we didn't have a church connection with the landlord we rented it from, I don't know where we would be. Searching for houses after that took forever. That felt like luck getting the place we have now. If I didn't work last summer and make money, I don't know if we would've had the place we have today. Lucky enough to get a pet for free due to my family's work connections.

I hate gambling and relying on miracles to get me by. I like when things are straightforward and guaranteed. I can prepare and plan. Having a blank canvas feels freeing but terrifying at the same time. And I'm pretty sure that's how every artist feels. It's an exhilarating feeling when you create. There's no better feeling. But to be an artist is to be a perfectionist. Sleep deprived from racing thoughts, late hang outs, and tough homework assignments, not knowing when to wake up, and when to go to sleep. This is my life right now.

It's been chaos. Both physically and mentally. I wish I could just calm it all down. I wish I just could focus on one thing at a time. I literally have to use a random number generator to choose what assignment I should do next. I wish I wasn't always late to things because I can't keep track of time anymore. I wish I wasn't chasing deadlines. I wish my to-do list, and not my canvas, was blank forever.

I have to be realistic. I gotta get my head together. I really gotta get my life together.

Graduating from college will be the biggest accomplishment of my entire life. It's an amazing accomplishment, but am I truly proud of it? I've accomplished so many things, but have only been proud of a few of them. Some things I finish, and I may never want to think about again. But this, it's just different. Something that I've been working so hard on that feels intangible and useless at the same time.

I know no one can take my education away from me. But my heart and my mind are speaking different yet similar languages. I don't wanna work. I've worked all my life, mostly for free. I want to create. I want to spend time with my sister. I want to actually live for once. This world is just cruel enough to take living away from people. I'm trying to figure how I can live and still be ok, but it has felt so impossible. I want to read. I want to write.

There are people who have to solely focus on survival. They don't know anything else. But I fortunately was bless to know more. I've seen so much. I've been exposed to a lot. I'm lucky. I can't change that. If someone wants some of it, I can give it to them. That's all I would really want to do. Why would I need to live for me? It's exhausting. I'd rather give my luck to someone else.