A Journey Through Time

Chapter 86 - Finding Myself Part 2

My Life Never Allowed Me to Explore and Discover My True Desires, and Now I Feel Empty

There's never been a career that I wanted to pursue.

For years, I lived a life that wasn't fully mine.
I've spent more time focusing on survival, approval, and exceeding expectations in school rather than discovering my own path.

I've had to be strong for so long that I'm genuinely exhausted, and completely disconnected from my desires.

Figuring out what I want to do feels impossible since I've never had the chance to explore those things freely for myself.

And because I've never been able to figure it out, I've often felt embarrassed, frustrated, and disappointed. Everyone else around me has always had some idea of what they want to do, even if it's vague, while I've never had the slightest idea.

I figured, if I can't find meaning and purpose in what I do, maybe it's better to stop looking and just focus on working on job for money.

I understand the importance of exploration, but what if I don't want to explore, simply because I'm exhausted?

The most exploring I would do was to find a solution to my problems. I'm a problem solver, so I'm used to painstakingly coming up with solutions to a variety of problems. I easily get frustrated when nothing I try works. When my inner conflicts had no clear answers, I found myself stuck in an endless loop of frustration.

When I finally got rid of the urge to hate myself, there was a shift from intense emotional pain to a deep emptiness.

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Exploration and Rediscovering Aliveness

There's more to me than what I've been forced into.

There's still a possibility for me to experience joy, passion, and purpose.

I need to give myself permission to explore without pressure, judgement, or expectations.

Exploration is about rediscovering a sense of aliveness.

Things I Can Do to Explore: Mindful moments. Free-form journaling. Creative expression to take a break from the mental exhaustion.

I need to also give myself permission to rest and do nothing.

Exploration isn't always about finding answers. Sometimes it's about gaining a deeper understanding of what's going on inside of me. And this can lead to deeper self acceptance and self compassion, even if answers aren't immediately found.

Finding Contentment In Stillness

Stillness isn't about just doing nothing and waiting in silence.

Contentment in stillness is about being at peace with where I'm at in the current moment without needing to constantly fill the void with activity, distractions, or even answers.

When I don't sit with my emotions, they overwhelm me, leading to cycle of me just avoiding them. This constant avoidance makes it difficult to understand the underlying messages and needs that my emotions are trying to convey. And over time, this has contributed to a sense of disconnection from myself, making it harder to identify my true desires.

To better understand what my emotions are communicating, I need to allow them to flow freely. My emotions will communicate to me what my true desires are. I just have to allow them to flow instead of constantly blocking them.

Experiment with Smaller Desires

I need to try exploring smaller desires such as trying a new activity or revisiting an old hobby. The key is following my intuition in small bits. This will help me get used to going after my desires without the constant pressures of my environment.