A Journey Through Time

Chapter 47 ~ To Be Loved

All the self work I've done over the years, I thought that I had build enough of a foundation for my own self love to blossom.

But I still have a lot to learn about self love, I guess. My traumas feel so far behind me but they also feel super close. I still remember my pains as if it was yesterday and they still plague me with fear to this day.

Back then I didn't even know what self love was. And I still haven't fully grasped the concept of loving me.

I'm always tripping over me. Always scared. Always lost. Always confused. Always struggling with myself. I'll think I'm fine but I end up ruining my own happiness. I isolate myself when I feel this way and I'm always in my own head. I tell myself I want to change but end up stuck in the same place.

I'm tired of going through this. I need to look at myself in the mirror and own who I am, looking at my flaws dead in the eyes. I can't keep living like this.

I don't want others to see me sad anymore. I don't want to bring this sadness and fear into my new friendships and relationships. I also don't want to seep more pain into myself, into the cracks of my broken heart.

Because I don't always pour my sadness and emotions into my friends and family, I end up hiding behind a fake smile, suffering on the inside. I cry in private and in public I pretend that I'm fine all the time when I'm not. I have a fear of rejection from sharing my pain and opening up, because I have been rejected from sharing my pain and opening up before. And even if I'm not rejected, I end up rejecting and judging my own pain and my own being. I end up wearing a mask wherever I go, hating myself so much so that I have to be someone different. That I yearn to be someone different. I'm scared to express who I truly am to everyone around me because I'm such a mess. And I end up caring about what other people think of me. But I beat myself up for being scared and hiding who I really am. I reject my own feelings because I think they're my own fault and I assume other people don't want to hear about my pain either.

I keep talking about all my hopes, and all my fears. I hope to be a person whose heart is aligned with God. I hope to be a more confident person that isn't scared to live life and be herself. I hope to be someone who loves herself. But I'm scared to be her. I'm scared to be that person I dream of being.

I can't learn how to be the person I hope to be if I don't try to be like her.

I'll always be hoping. Nothing will end up turning into reality and I'll end up being a train wreck for the rest of my life if I don't open up and speak my truth. I have to be me for once.

It's the only way I'll ever achieve self love and freedom. To be loved by me and to love me, and to allow others to love me for me, I have to be willing to face what I fear most. If it means losing friends, family, relationships, and trust, all the things that I can't seem to live without, then so be it.

I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I'll be alone if that's what it takes. I'll be myself and speak my truth, and I'll watch people cringe at me if I have to. But I need to be myself. I can't live a lie anymore.

This is me. A fearful person. An introverted person. A struggling person. A person who wants more for herself.

If I hurt from being me, from sharing myself, then I'll have me. I'm not going anywhere.

I'll feel my emotions. I won't run from them.

Even the strongest people feel weak sometimes. And I know I'm strong. But I'll allow myself to be weak this time.

I've already lived a long life. I've done things I'm not proud of. I made a lot of choices I can't take back. I've cried a lot of tears.

I should've let relationships burn sooner than later. I've beat up on myself more times than I can count. I'm gonna say those things. It's my life. And I'm already living it.

I'm already feeling all my emotions. I'm gonna let them come and go.

I'll keep my heart safe inside until it's time to share it, leaving it out in the open, vulnerable.

I'm going to be me. I'm jumping without a parachute.

I've cried at the pain I've given myself.

I've lied about who I really am to myself, not speaking to myself the way God speaks to me. But I did those hurtful things when all I really wanted was true, unconditional love.

Loving me means letting me be me, regardless of how painful. Regardless of how mean. Regardless of how scary it is. I'm gonna be me. There's no other way to be.