A Journey Through Time

Chapter 54 ~ The Back of My Mind

So badly do I want to have that everlasting wonder and excitement for life that never seems to fade. To never fear bad things happening to me. Every time I have a glimpse of that kind of release, and a tiny sense of freedom, fear always creeps into the back of my mind. I end up feeling like it's too good to be true. To be happy.

I haven't been fasting anymore but I have been reading books again. I've been watching cool shows and movies as well, especially with my sister. I haven't been on social media still because that could be dangerously addictive. But I've been ok. Sometimes I still struggle with my feelings but then I tell myself not to worry. I keep telling myself that my fears are not that important. They're not gonna matter in a few years.

And a part of me is right. But the fear and guilt of not being where I think I should be keeps bothering me.

A part of it feels like it's my fault. Like I'm the reason my independence isn't completely established.

I know me feeling this way won't change anything. Whether or not I feel anything, this problem will persist, not until I can level up. Should I even have to explain myself? Can't I just work my way up to adulthood? Why do I feel like I have to be an adult right now?

I'm tired of thinking and feeling and not expressing. I'll want to say how I feel to people, but then I keep my mouth shut. I never know what to express and what to keep hidden, so I hide everything. I know it's not right, but uggggh I'm just so scared and for what?!?

People are gonna judge me. They're gonna look at me funny. My cheeks are gonna get hot and I'm gonna be embarrassed. SO WHAT!?!

This is the core root to me hating myself. THIS. Me and my forever shut lips. Why can't I talk?!? Why is it so hard? I don't understand.

Journaling is great, but I'm only expressing it in one form. What I'm struggling with is speaking it the moment I feel it. The moment I have something to say, saying it!

And as soon as I deny myself my own voice, I feel the stinging pain. I feel the pain automatically like electricity. I don't know what it is, but it's just that feeling when you think a thought and you have to say it out loud. I mean when you talk to someone, that's how it is. They talk to you, and you think a thought and you're ready to share. You easily get frustrated when you can't share the thought that you want to express.

This is what I mean when I say I can't socialize and talk to people. This is EXACTLY what I mean. The moment I felt it, I couldn't just blurt out and say, "Hey guys, I know me not driving right now is a pain when it comes to trying to plan these presentations and work events."

And if they ask why I can't drive yet, why can't I just say, "I don't have a car yet and I still need to learn how to drive, but I'm saving up money right now to learn." It seems SO EASY when I write it down. SO FREAKING EASY.

It's easy to forget this when I'm thinking about other stuff or when I don't have anything I want to express. It's the moments when I do want to talk, but don't. When I just say hi and don't say more. I want to say more. I practically feel it in my being. But I don't. Sometimes it's tiredness. Sometimes it's an unwillingness to have a conversation. Feeling like the conversation won't really matter. Scared to be a normal human being that talks to people. Scared to share how I really feel. I just wanna be seen. I want to be understood. I want someone to relate to me. I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to start talking to people, forcing myself to be the bubbly, cheery person that I've never been. I want to be real.