A Journey Through Time

Chapter 53 ~ What Do I Want for My Life?

I want freedom. The whole adulting thing made me feel a certain way because most people my age are more independent than me. In previous chapters, I mostly just wrote down the position that I am in and what it is I need to accept. I wrote it with the assumption that I literally have no control over where I end up living, how dependent I am, and my natural temperaments. I basically assumed my problems just are, and I can't really fix them right now, or at least I shouldn't put pressure on myself to try to fix them right now.

But I want to be independent. I've been feeling stuck because I can't be independent right now and I have no control over it. A part of me wants to have control over my independence. I don't know how to transition at all and I don't know if I should or shouldn't worry about it right now. I mean there are a lot of perks to still living at home, but then again, I don't have that freedom of being an adult. I've struggled with this feeling before, especially when I was in high school and wasn't allowed to hangout with people outside of school. I wasn't allowed to do too much of anything really, especially if money and transportation were involved. There are things I wanted to do, but I always assume I can't do them because of my family's expectations and financial situations.

To me, freedom is being able to talk on the phone for however long I want because I pay for the phone and the bill. Freedom is driving wherever I want because I paid for the car and the gas. Freedom is going to whatever concerts and social activities I want because I paid for the tickets with money I earned from work. Freedom is randomly hanging out with a friend on Saturday because my time is my own and not tied to someone else. Freedom is openly dating without worrying about pressures and judgements from others. Freedom is simply being left alone and having privacy, without someone coming into my room every hour or so, especially if I'm paying for my own place. Freedom is literally doing whatever you want to do and having the authority to do so. And authority comes through money, time, and experience. Things I seem to never have.

It's like having the pressure to be something you have already been longing to be, but not having the resources to be that person. You get tired of wanting a better life. You get tired of people telling you to do better, to be better, to leave everything behind to be this new person. You get tired of the pressure and you get tired of the longing.

Everything I had previously explained describes success to me. Success to me was never about money per say, but really about the freedom that comes with it. I don't want to answer to anybody. I want to live by myself, not because I want to be a loner, but because I want the quiet that comes with it. The ability to invite people over and have slumber parties. The ability to use my time to cook, or do arts and crafts, or watch whatever show and not get questioned or judged about the show I am watching. I just want to exist, but on my own terms. Not just existing in the background, unsatisfied with life.

I just don't know how to achieve the life I'm talking about. And that's why I feel stuck. I know that there's only so much I can do right now, but that doesn't change the fact that I still want those things. And I was hesitant to write anything down because I didn't want to feel these emotions again, and I didn't want to be stuck in the past again. But I have been stuck and even though I haven't been fasting anymore, allowing myself to listen to music and be on social media and watch things, I haven't been able to turn my mind off about this.

I mean I can talk to my family about it, but what are they gonna say? Nothing is going to change about my situation. I mean, I am making money but I don't control it. How can I? There are bills and other things that have to be prioritized, more so than my own wants. Are they going to allow me to do what I want? Can I even do what I want based on our financial situation right now? I know that talking to them would be that next step. But it may not even change anything.