A Journey Through Time

Chapter 17 ~ What Am I Doing?

I need to figure out my relationship issues once and for all. Balancing everything else in my life has been challenging. But this is different. I feel less stressed about my academics and my career prospects, especially because I found opportunities I feel really confident about. I have amazing friendships. Dealing with my extracurriculars has been hard, but I know how to handle conflicts because of my maturity. It's really just my relationships. The one thing I think about all the time but end up doing nothing about.

I've been anxious a little bit. I deleted social media for now, but it's like as soon as I want to start fasting again, that's when my social media addictions become even worse. When I do get to work and accomplish things, I feel fine, even though my work is mentally draining. But when I get distracted, it's so hard for me to pull myself out. I'm running away from things I don't even know I'm running away from. I'm especially anxious for tomorrow because I could sense how mentally taxing it will be. Just so much stuff to do. So many people I got to interact with. It's like when you know exactly what you need to do, but you get scared and end up stalling. All I'm doing is stalling the inevitable.

I feel like I'm just burying my own grave. I'm not fixing the problem. If anything I'm making it more complicated. I feel terrible for what I've been doing. Even though he agreed to open up the relationship, I don't know if I can keep doing this. The guy I've been seeing on the side since opening up the relationship is onto me. He has feelings for me. I don't wanna let him down. I don't wanna let down the initial person I was with either. I literally see why people just ghost. It's like, how do I end this? Do I even want to end this? Do I end it with one person or both? I keep doing this to myself. I keep talking to the both of them, giving them some kind of false hope. Showing love to one, showing lust to the other. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Am I still looking for the one? I don't even know. In my heart, I know I want a companionship, a long lasting bond. Relationships with both of these people just feel like a mess. Like tangled knots. I don't feel close to either of them. I feel distant. I feel torn, within myself.

I know it might be easier for me to just be alone. But why is it also so hard for me to do that? I'm in a mess of a relationship and I don't know how to fix it. And I keep ignoring it. Why? Do I even want to fix it? Do I even want any of one them?

I just be thinking of irrational decisions like ghosting them and just going on with my life. Letting the thought of me be a memory for them. Breaking both of their hearts. Why am I like this? This isn't the first time I've thought about this. Thinking about just being rude one day and having them both hate me. They both want me, that's the reason why they stay. If they hate me, then it would all go away. The fact that I'm crazy enough to think this. The desperation I must have.

The initial dude is literally my best friend. Almost like my day one. These feelings I'm writing down, I've been avoiding. But they always come back. Is the problem him, the one who has been my best friend and lover for years? Everything he's done hasn't been to intentionally hurt me. But it's an ache that I can't escape. When he's so far away, I can't touch him. Living with the fear of the possibility that I may never see him again. The fear that being with him may be the wrong choice. The fear that he'll never step up and be the man I need him to be.

I have all of these hopes and expectations I just need to get rid of. If it was true, that I would never see him again, that long distances will forever be a problem, I would end things. But something in me keeps telling me stay, every time I'm about to leave.

Why can't I just leave? I've left before. Why did I come back after all those years? I still loved him all that time. We still loved each other. I'll feel too guilty if I leave. Everything is not his fault. That's what makes it even harder. It all just feels like a lost cause. How can we mend a problem that is unfixable? Nothing we've done has worked. Staying and working through it hasn't worked. Breaking up hasn't worked. Breaks haven't worked. The only solution was making it a point to see each other and make goals to make it a reality. But that hasn't worked either. I want to just live my life without this hanging over my head all the time.

I want to be hopeful, but I also see the reality of things. That's just part of my personality. I never truly believe there's a solution unless I see it for myself, unless I can do something about it. In reality, I might not see him for years to come, if not ever. It's a flower that should've died a long time ago. It's all my fault I keep giving it water. Why? The potential, the best friend I needed during those years of heartache, loneliness, and misery. I had nobody but him in those times. A panic attack he pulled me out of. He's seen me grow up. I've seen him grow up too. The bond is soooo close. And it's all my fault. Me and my miserable life.

How do I break the bond? How? A break from him ain't gone break it. Breaking my own heart by letting him go. Ugh I just want to fix it. He is the love of my life. I may not always see him that way but ultimately it's true. I just can't. It's like a literal trap. Why am I back at this place? Not even able to breathe. Why did I do this? Hurting and healing myself over and over again. When all I needed was a hug from him. All I needed was a hug. Numbing the pain in different ways. I just wanna be healed once and for all.

When you're in a relationship, you're sad. When you're single, you're sad. All of this doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter, there are way more important things to worry about in this world. At the end of the day I have blessings I can't even count. I have gifts I need to use to help other people. I don't want to have a worthless existence. I just want to exist, and I can't even do that. Crying tears I thought were gone forever. I just want to live and have fun, work and make a meaningful living for myself. Enjoy His blessings and pass them on. That's all I want. Living and being according to God's will for my life. I'm here to live and then be gone when my time has come. And I'm content with this. It's all life is.

If a problem appears in my life, whether it's my fault or something on the outside, I want to be confident in the decisions I make to move forward. If a person hurts me, making that confident decision to feel my emotions, and let go and move on. Having a problem and not worrying about it because I know I can get through it. Figuring out the steps to get there. Even if those steps involve me just sitting down and crying. Going through life, continuing to learn and grow.

I've already told myself that I will be sad. I will be hurt. It's all inevitable. But living in my truth has been the solution to a lot of my problems. Being honest with myself and what I really need in the presence of God. I have to let go of the future. All I have control over right now is my next move. Taking that next step with every fiber of being. And not looking back. Regret does nothing for me. I have to be brutally honest with myself. If I don't wanna talk, I'm not going to. I be scared of people being able to handle the truth. I can't prevent hurting other people. It's all inevitable. All of it.

I can't apologize for who I am. I can't apologize for the decisions I choose to make for myself. If I decide to end things with him for good, I can't even imagine the hole that would be left. The emptiness. It will feel like a literal death. I will probably go insane. The day I do that would be the day we both die. Shooting him, and shooting myself right after. A blank stare, laying lifeless on the ground, would be all I have left.