Collision || Lee Know

worlds apart

We have not said a word to each other and I could not hate it more. Why did I even bring such things up? I planned on arriving at the train station at 3 pm and still thirty minutes were left until we'd leave. Right now I wanted to just disappear. It was the worst, even when I had to go down to use the toilet, I had to face him on the couch. I quietly sneaked past him. His gaze from his phone lifted up to me, but immediately lowered again. I bit my under lip, disappearing behind the door. I just wanted to have a nice weekend, but this is now the second thing which brings up conflicts. I can sense he does not want it that way, but would think he'd make a mistake if he comes up to me, since that would count as...egoistic.

I forced myself to wait upstairs until we'd go back. And when the clock turned 3 pm, I already stood beside the door.

"You have everything?" His voice sounded so unpleasant to hear. So not..lovable. "Yeah." I couldn't sense if he was mad, upset, or regretful at all. He held the helmet up to me. I hesitately brought up my hand, but he moved it forward in a way of me taking too long.
I sighed, getting on. We were close on this and basically had to cuddle, which was a little awkward. I placed my hands onto his sides, which I was able to do for quite long until we had to speed up.

I felt his hand searching for my upper arm before pulling me against him in a fast motion. He made me hug onto his stomach, so I slowly gave in to finally scoop forward. It was for my safety, and he seemed like he found my resist life risking. This had nothing to do with us after all..

The whole ride I was thinking of what to say once we arrive. I couldn't just leave like this. Maybe something like 'hey, I know we both said a lot, but after all everything of this happened making us end up here right now. So we should continue just living happy in the present or maybe I should just say nothing at all. I'm his favourite person, he said it. Will he be able to go without me? I don't want to leave him behind, for that he means too much to me.

Sadly we arrived quicker than I thought though. He did not get off, only removed his helmet. I hesitately grabbed onto my stuff, taking a step back to look at him. We forgot to cut his hair.. He said he'd let it grow until we don't talk anymore, but it's still there. And I said then it would had to grow forever, just like I said: "Die, doing it, together" I blinked a few times at his comment. "That's what you said." It's true, it is what I said. "You told me we'd stay together forever. And you made me promise that I won't leave you either." He paused for a moment, looking like he tried to form a proper sentence. "Why are we on the stage of doing it right now then? I don't think this is right. I don't think I can go on without you." I blinked even more, feeling small knives cutting into me. "I'm deeply regretting every act I've done, which made you feel any sign of sadness, anger or not valuable. I was an asshole, idiot and I honestly still am. I haven't respected your feelings a lot and that you feel that way now, is honestly my fault. I can't help but only want you to myself, which means I'm afraid people might take you away...I'm afraid of loosing people, not getting recognition...I hate being alone, not getting attention." He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. "I just want you by my side and I want those feelings to be mutual. I have to be able to let you go, if it's for your wellness. If I'm too egoistic for you, please Taerim, I swear I'll let you go this time." My heart was hurting, maybe from beating too fast, or maybe because of his sincere words. He was apologising, and it was honest. He wasn't egoistic, but understanding. I could not complain or find anything against him right now, except things he just apologised for. "I.." I had no prepared words at all. "I don't need your answer yet, just think about it please. I'll respect if you don't wanna keep this ongoing." I couldn't imagine how unappreciated he must've felt right now. He was basically doubting himself just because I kept complaining about each of his personal traits, instead of naming even one thing I like about him. Meanwhile, he only said he could understand me.