On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

43

Safety

While we're waiting for the yacht party to start, Deuce treated his wound. Now that we are in a cottage, our friends and I are gradually enjoying booze. I just sat next to him and watched because he didn't want me to help him. Occasionally, Malik joins us at the table to see how we're doing or to re-serve cocktails.

"Deuce, you really need to manage your temper. I find it uncomfortable to watch you act violently like that."

"You heard me earlier when I told Andrea to stop, right? I am definitely calm right now, Av. You know that it could have been worse if I didn't took control of my rage," hindi niya ako tinignan at seryoso lang sa pag gamot sa kaniyang sugat.

Alam ko naman na maayos niyang sinabi kay Andrea ang mga bagay at masydo nga namang professional ang approach niyang salita pero di ko pa rin maiwasan na mag alala.

"But you got hurt? There's blood...and broken glasses," i tried to explain to him how serious it is. He made an immense attempt to control his rage, even to the point of self-harm. Yes, he was furious that he crumpled a wine glass, trying not to lose his temper.

Sasabog siya ng matinding emosyon pero ayaw niyang makasakit ng iba nailabas niya ang galit na iyon paloob kaya nasaktan siya.

"It's nothing so stop making it a big deal," mag halong pagkairita niyang sabi sa akin.

"I am not comfortable with this..." i swallowed hard and weighed his reactions. Dalawang beses na itong nangyari pero ang pinagkaiba lang ay wala siyang pagsisisi ngayon. He never acknowledge that what he did was wrong or that he made a wrong choice. Wala siyang pakialam sa kung anong isipin ng iba o kung masyado siyang napangunahan ng kaniyang emosyon.

"You're trying to dismiss the fact that you have an issue with your emotions." i whispered as I think about us and what we are trying to fix right here, the situation is very difficult for us and I think we need to be honest with ourselves about this issue because it could lead to more toxic problems in the future.

"Can we just breathe in silence for a second? Please? Let's talk later...we can talk later, Av." Pagod niyang pakiusap sa akin pero nasa isip ko ay dapat nasosolusyonan agad ang mga problema at di pagkakaintindihan. Hindi ko lang talaga lubos maisip na iniiwasan niya ito. He's making excuses to dismiss me again.

"Why cant we do it now? Its all the same,"

Nag aalala lang naman ako para sa kaniya at pakiwari ko ay mas makakabuti kapag napag usapan at naiintindihan naming dalawa ang sitwasyin na meron kami.

Gaya ng sabi ko sa kaniya na dapat kausapin niya ulit ang therapist niya para makasiguro na okay ang kalagayan niya. He said that he dont need it and that he's fine but looking at him now sobrang layo.

"You need to talk about what you are feeling right now. That's why therapists are needed to help you through this and walk you through the process...understand why you're feeling what you're feeling now. Settle your issues and talk about it. Escaping will not help. Let's face it. It is unhealthy, Deuce—"

Pag babalikan mo ang mga nangyari sa buhay mo at napag tagpi tagpi mo ang kwento ay maiintindihan mo kung bakit ganito ka nalang mag react ngayon; kung bakit galit na galit ka, bakit apektado ko, o bakit sobrang nasasaktan ka.

Kapag maikwento mo iyong mga pinagdaanan mo ay matutulungan kang hanapin kung saan nagkamali at kung saan nag simula na maging magulo ang lahat o kung saan ka nagbago. Simple lang ang salitang usap pero malaking tulong iyon para mas maiintidihan mo ang iyong sarili.

Heard him sarcastically laughed and glared at me. "Oh so it is unhealthy now? Then, what would you say about yourself? Av, you're so confused that you can't even decide what you want. Uncertain about your desires, and you even like to play games with other people. Eager to get attention, yet afraid to commit because—admit it—that would be really stupid for you, right? What a self-centered way to keep a man close to you. only throwing them scraps then complain for not getting enough,"

"Loving the attention but scared to commit. That's really fucked up! Such a narcissistic way to keep a man all to yourself." kitang kita ko ang gigil niya at ang pagkaubos ng kaniyang pasensya. Sa paraan ng pang iinsulto niya na para bang gusto niyang marinig ko iyong mga masasakit na mga salita.

I wasn't prepared for him to speak so blatantly and angrily about his hatred toward me. It seems like he's now being upfront about his feelings for me. He knows there are things about me that he despises, despite his adoration and naive liking for me. I wasn't prepared for him to say that. It seems like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I want to do something to help him control his emotions since I am purely worried and a little scared about his anger management problems. I also want to know why he acts a certain way all the time. Why he gets violent and enraged at times. I want to understand, which is why I'd like to speak with him right now.

A married couple may even have a mantra that states that disagreements must be resolved before going to bed. Issues should be resolved right away; do not allow them to linger until the next day.

Even if this is all new, what Deuce and i have is new but I think the problems should be resolved immediately to prevent a domino effect of problems in the future. I wouldn't want to see a wildfire of unresolved problems in the future.

Although he's the first man I've connected with in this intimate way, I recognized that communication is crucial to resolving conflicts and maintaining the peace even if I have no experience having romantic relationships.

However, having him suddenly speak negatively about my character hurt me, or perhaps it was him always asking me to define our relationship and using it against me, which was kind of a low blow for me. He needs an explanation, so perhaps it's time to resolve this once and for all, so that we can both stop suffering and remain sane and at peace.

As I reflect on our experiences together thus far, I see that we truly are not in sync; we always disagree because we have different viewpoints and approaches to problems. I follow my own methods, and he has faith in his own way of living.

We don't complement one another at all; rather, we fight. Deuce and I are two distinct jigsaw shapes that are not supposed to fit each other, so perhaps Andrea's observations are accurate. Andrea is right about us not in sync. Deuce and i are both different shapes of puzzle that are not meant for each other.

Being with someone who can't control their emotions can be scary especially when they get heated because of the emotional intensity that they display in that moment but Deuce never felt as though he would attack me. Scary? Yes. Is it unsafe? Am i unsafe with Deuce? No, but regardless of what the situation was like I would still say that it's just right to not prolong this.

They always said a good man would never make a woman feel scared or unsafe. I've found that to be pretty excellent advice.

"Let's end this charade then...i think it's just right to do that now to settle this issue properly. I don't wanna be in a relationship with you so i am ending this now. I can't call this a break up since you're never my boyfriend in the first place but that's what i am trying to say...let's end it, Deuce. There's no us and before we get to that point we'll just have to end it right here,"