On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

57

March

I feel like once I walk out his door, it also means that I am finally out of his life, and I can't do it, and I'm not willing to do it. That's why he is taking care of me tonight because I was so weak, maybe because my head was messed up and I had no strength to move or even do something.

We wrapped our talk on a calm tone, and I let out a sigh at hearing him laugh gleefully at something I had said. I interpret that as a sign that he doesn't detest me to an even greater extent. Perhaps I let him down and he's upset with me for whatever reason, but he won't despise me to the point where he would cut me out of his life.

He assisted me in the bathroom and even helped me to wear his cotton shorts and white t-shirt, which are really large on me. Like he always does when I'm unable to care for myself, he is taking care of me once more. I started crying again, but this time he let out a low, quiet breath. My heart ached even more at the way he's treating me gently at the moment. When he still looks after me so tenderly, how can he decide that our relationship should end?

He wiped my tears with his thumb and gave me an affectionate look of concern. It's horrible to be in a situation where you want your relationship to work but you are both broken individuals who unintentionally hurt each other; you are both precious to each other but your previous traumas get in the way and complicate things. I stare at my lap instead of looking at him.

Ang bait niya naman talaga sa akin at masyadong maalaga kaya ang hirap isipin na hindi talaga pwede kasi hindi nagtutugma ang mga pangyayari. Kung tatanungin ako ay halos perfect na siya pero sa totoong buhay wala naman talagang perfect.

Gaya ng sabi niya gusto niyang maging buo bago papasok sa isang seryosong relasyon. Na ayaw niyang dumating ang araw na hindi niya namamalayan na nasasaktan na niya ako kaya mas pipiliin niya ngayon ang ayusin na muna ang sarili.

Kung kailangan kong magbigay ng mga hindi ko nagusutuhan sa kaniya siguro ang maiisip ko lang ay nakakatakot siya minsan kapag nagagalit kasi hindi niya nakokontrol iyon.

Pero rason na ba iyon para kamuhian ko siya? Hindi kasi alam ko naman kung anong tao talaga siya. Sa dami ng magagandang rason kung bakit ko siya nagustuhan ay hindi na mag mamatter ang isang mali na iyon.

Hindi magbabago ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil lang may isang mali sa kaniya. Ngunit hindi rin ibig sabihin na pag tanggap ko iyon ay hindi na kailangan solusyonan o bigyan ng pagkakataon na ayusin.

"I have been attending therapy for the past month and will continue to do so till I feel better. I learned that my significant other had strayed, and my therapist said that's why I want to control people and things. Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, such as stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms, are typically experienced by those who have been in a bad relationship. I thought I was okay, but I'm not; my body still feels the effects of it, and my body still can't accept the betrayal. I have a tendency to control because I want to make sure that I won't be betrayed again."

Lifting my gaze back to him, I was taken aback by his candid disclosure of his own problems. I felt so sorry for him. I find it unfathomable that someone would have the audacity to cause him such trauma.

I'm not sure how to reassure him with the correct words. How should one respond to someone who is in pain and suffering? I really don't know how he feels; I had no idea how agonizing it was for him, so it's not like I can claim to understand. Being left with awful memories is never okay, so I can't say that it's okay. I just wanted to hear him talk about what he was feeling so I decided to listen and be silent.