She's kinder than me though.
I can be blunt at times. I have had a responsibility for being the older sister. She's not because she doesn't have a sister. At least not with her the majority of her life.
She's not detached. I detached myself from my sister to cope. I think that is my coping mechanism, to detach myself from situations or from people entirely. My parents think it's wrong. But if I didn't detach myself I would get depressed. I spent years being depressed but one day I chose not to tear myself apart. And I didn't let her tear me apart either.
What it means to detach from someone.
(According to McWard)
To detach from someone means becoming less attached to their behavior and feelings, reevaluating your perception of your connection to them, and adjusting the level of emotional investment you have with them to a place where it feels manageable.
"Emotionally detaching from someone involves taking a step back from your relationship," licensed psychologist Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., tells mbg. "Perhaps this person (a friend or family member) was once a treasured member of your inner circle, but you've learned that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. By beginning to see this person differently, it allows you to detach—that is, to put less weight on that person's behavior toward you."
According to licensed clinical social worker Noelle McWard, LCSW, being detached means choosing not to engage with that person's behavior and no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally pulled into reacting to it.
"Detachment is a re-centering of your attention and energy on yourself, not the other person," she tells mbg. "When you place your energy and focus back on yourself rather than on trying to control the other person's behaviors and attitudes, you are in a better position to make better decisions about how it is best for you to engage in the relationship."
Detachment is about working with the relationship and accepting it for what it is instead of working on the relationship and hoping for change.
You can sense it's time to detach from someone when, instead of feeling emotionally regulated around them, you now feel anxious, emotionally drained, and exhausted—all signs you need to take care of your mental health. After you've expressed that their behavior or attitudes have negatively affected you and there's been little to no change, then your only option is to focus on taking care of your well-being within the context of that relationship. This happens by choosing to consciously detach from the person.
Emotional detachment will look like being less accessible. "[It'll look like] not getting together as frequently, not responding to outreach as quickly, not taking the 'bait' if you feel triggered by this person's behavior. It's a slow process of moving someone from your inner circle to more of an acquaintance," Napolitano says.
Emotional detachment can also look like "putting someone or something in a space or container in which you don't feel the need to react to what they are doing or who they are," McWard says. "It is the ability to maintain that you can still be OK and do the things that you need to do in your life, your job, etc., in spite of what the other person is doing."
Distancing can still be done with affection.
Napolitano recommends holding them and your past beloved memories with tenderness while also understanding they may now have a different set of behaviors and values that no longer match up with your own. Bringing objectivity to the way you view them allows them to still be in your life, although their presence doesn't have to loom large in your life.
"This will be different for each person in each situation. It may mean that you recognize that the choices that someone else makes or their actions are not your responsibility or do not require your approval," McWard says. "This may mean that you no longer engage in certain aspects of the relationship because doing so is hurtful or harmful to you in some way."
She notes this could look like having boundaries around topics you will or will not discuss, withdrawing the need from wanting a particular outcome from them, or reducing how open and vulnerable you choose to be with them. It may also look like limiting contact within the relationship. "But in all possible iterations of this, the focus is on you and taking care of yourself, not on changing anything about the other person," she says.
When you're looking for something in the relationship that you have historically not received from them, McWard says emotional detachment can look like no longer hoping, expecting, or desiring that response or engagement. "I describe this as no longer going to the hardware store hoping to buy bread and milk," she says.
In our relationships, we want to be honest and embody our best selves. With emotional detachment, you don't always have to strive to embody that version of yourself with all the people in your life, and that's perfectly OK. Not all relationships require you to take the higher action. After all, it takes two people to effect change.
Sometimes, it's healthier to focus on yourself and what you can control as a form of self-care. Learning emotional detachment is learning how to be discerning enough to understand which people are able to put in the work to nurture a growth-oriented relationship and which people aren't able to do that. If this connection is starting to negatively impact you, it's worth putting in some emotional distance so they can still be a part of your life.
I basically learned to discern, detect, reject. To set boundaries for my mental health. If someone compromises my mental health I won't let them in my life for too long, or too much.
That's why I wrote that next time he makes me sad I'm gonna tell him. Years ago I wouldn't stop him but now I will if I have to. That's how I respect myself and he will respect me.
