What am I gonna tell them? That I'm not happy because nothing I do is ever enough for me? That I've been stuck in a circle of self sabotage? That I'm tired of waiting to get better? Tired of waiting for a man? That I'm tired of experiencing the lost of my friends leaving the truth? And my sister just left the truth.
That I don't wanna do this anymore, that I don't wanna fight. That I am a coward because I can't preach to my coworkers, because I don't wanna be judged. That I care of what others think of me, even though I hate it. That I want to go drive with Kevin every day, that I want to go out with him and escape from everything, that I don't care about my own wishes of being more than friends because it is painful to keep my distance because of a wish that I don't know if it will ever come true.
You know what the worst part is? That whatever I do, my sister does. So if she sees me giving up she's gonna give up too. And I don't wanna be to blame so I stay for her. She left and I still stay for her...
Sometimes I feel that I stay against my own will, but my own conscience makes me stay, it is the weirdest thing ever. It's a constant battle of right and wrong...
Then I think of my parents and think I don't want to disappoint them more.
I tried to move out 2 times last year. I was looking at apartments and houses continuously, but every time I was about to get a deal something would happen and they'd rent the place to someone else. Or the renters wouldn't show up. It's like the more I tried the less I would find a place. And I knew it was Jehovah, not letting me go. Man I'm crying.
He ruined my plans because he didn't want me to go. And I stayed feeling defeated but I knew Jehovah was right...
Even still, even by feeling all these things and experiencing them I don't leave because in reality I don't wanna leave Jehovah😞. I'm just tired and so done... and when Jessie died I started feeling more done...
I don't know for how much longer I can hold on.
