I've dated not too handsome guys, and people with different personalities and backgrounds... but it's like... none were really on my level, except 1. And even that didn't work out.
I think... when I see some of my dad's friends (some are in their 30's), sometimes I imagine myself with a man like them. But when reality hits me and one of them says hi to me I'm like "no way..."
And I realize I haven't taken myself seriously... I haven't done the work needed to not be scared of mature men. Because last time I dated it was with a very immature, chaotic man...
I liked being chased after. I liked the attention he was giving me. I liked being chosen. That's why it didn't matter who he was because what mattered to me was getting love. Such a disappointing way to think...
To love a man who was nothing but a terrible person, just because of what I was getting from him, which wasn't even a lot?
It's ironic that I want stability but I always went for unstable men. Or unstable friends.
I sabotage myself before anyone can hurt me, and when they hurt me I blame it on myself and support the self-belief that only chaotic people want me and that I'm never gonna get what I want, because deep down I'm not deserving of it, even though everyone tells me I am, and it's a vicious cycle.
And crazy part is some part of me liked the craziness of him. Some twisted part of me saw it as normal when it really wasn't. Same with her. I found the complications and drama entertaining... until I realized how much it really damaged me.
Like why do that to myself? Have I not let go of my trauma the whole time?
I victimized myself so many times.
