Your decisions affect multiple people. Our decisions have affected them.
That is all I could think about when she was saying everything. I kept thinking that is not his fault. That he shouldn't deal with the consequences of our bad decisions, but he does, and he's humble about it.
Sometimes I genuinely believe I don't deserve anything. I don't care if it's been a while, I still made bad choices. And those choices made her do more bad things, and that resulted in him losing everything he cared about. And I hate that it is because of me. Because of her. Because of us.
C feels awful. Imagine how I feel. I don't deserve anything at all and yet I keep getting gifts, keep getting love, keep getting hugs. And I don't understand it... maybe Jehovah sees things on a different perspective, a perspective none of us know.
Their words have me in circles. None of them truly understand it. They picked the people with the least empathy to talk, no offence at all, but it's the truth. No one gets it. You don't get it until you live it. Only Jehovah understands.
Today I was praying, frustrated. Because only He gets it. But he also knows his heart, he knows it's not his fault, he knows it all. He knows he did the best he could. And he's okay with it. Or not okay but he accepted it.
I hate that we have dragged them down for years. That we have stained their reputation constantly. If it's not me it's her. And I hate the misinterpretations of the whole situation. Seriously, if you don't know or have never experienced it, don't say anything. It's hard.
I am barely here. There's been times where I want to give up for real, that I wanna leave because I can't take it anymore. Lately I've been thinking about it again. But it's always my conscience that reasons with me into staying. It says "Where are you gonna go? There's nothing out there" "You wanna end up becoming one of those easy girls, rubbing yourself against someone under the influence? Do you want to get involved with bad people? Give up what you have worked so hard to maintain? Give up your body? Give up your soul? Give up your dreams? Give up eternal life? Give up God? Is it worth it, to lose it all?"
And after considering everything that I would lose, I come back to reality and fight another day. Even though it's not easy at all.
Sometimes I don't wanna get help because I want to show that I grew up. I want to do better, I want to make Jehovah proud, I want to make my parents proud. I just want to do good for a long time, for once.
I'm tired.
