"Woah... she was his woman."
That phrase alone made me think of how many things he must've lived with her.
In that moment I thought, "I have no chance. Absolutely no chance. He loves her. He lived with her. What did you expect Danna? That he was gonna crawl back to you because she didn't want him anymore? You should know by now. Look... he's been with who knows how many during you and after you left. Don't you get it? Why don't you give up Danna? Why do you do this to yourself? He's not gonna love you."
And even still, I don't give up and I don't know why. Even if I have a million reasons to do so. Even if he's rejected me who knows how many times now. Do you know how many times I tried letting go? 4.
And the last time I left for like a year and 7 months...?
A year and 7 months and I still missed him. Couldn't forget him.
I keep thinking about how he said that I'm the only one who gets him.
I think he's the only one who gets me as well because of how natural our conversations are, and how well we understand each other, and how unique our vibe is, like even if there's differences between us I don't even notice them sometimes because of how much we connect, on every level. And it's sad that he doesn't love me in the way I love him... if we were together honestly I would see us being so happy. He would get to see the other sides of me he hasn't seen, and I'd get to see other sides of him that I don't know. It's inconsiderate to try to imagine it because he's going through a breakup, but I still do because this is my diary.
I try to think of what it is that he liked about her, but since I don't know her I can't really think of anything, only on what I've seen in pictures. Even though she has a round face, brown eyes, and is smaller than him, (which are the same general factions I have), she's curvy, has a nice body type, looks good with makeup, has tanned skin, seems feminine, and she must probably be an extrovert.
I definitely don't have a curvy body. If I worked out I probably would have one. And I'm on the taller side and skinnier. My skin is light toned... I don't wear make up so I'm not that feminine. And I'm an ambivert.
Today I went to Sephora and looked at some fake lashes and foundations to buy later... I want to be more feminine. It's not necessarily because of his ex. I said to mom, "sometimes I get this random outbursts of wanting to look more feminine, but I don't do anything about it. I wanna change how I look so I feel more confident and feminine..." and my mom was like, "that's very good Danna you should definitely go for it."
I think, hearing him say that I'm still the same bothered me. I hoped to be different by now... I just want to feel that I've made progress at something you know? Even if it's just a small change.
Even if I just change my looks and do more physical activity or achieve something spiritual I want to change...
Funny how I started this from my feelings to my thoughts.
