When I say I can't love anyone, it means that I can feel it, but it never lasts. It means that I love the love but not the person. I looked that up and that's what daddy issues are.
That's what they are. Wanting the love I didn't have.
And it sucks because I want to truly love someone. I want to take a genuine interest in them. So I have to stop focusing so much in the love they give me and more on who they are.
I just learned that recently and it makes a lot of sense.... That's why I fall in love so easily. That's why I get crushes so fast. It all stems from that. I hate it because I'm 24 now. I thought I was over my dad. I am mentally over him, and over the situation. Intellectually and even emotionally. But it goes deeper than how I feel about it, or me getting over it. It's a tendency I developed since I was little. It became my personality, who I am, always having boy friends, always yearning for a male presence in my life. Even liking things boys do like video games, or the way they dress, or acting tough or being strong because that's what I thought boys were like. Even when I moved to this country I kept on preaching to mostly men, and following men all my teenage years. I identified myself more with men than girls, always got along better with them. Even now I am just starting to want to be feminine, wear makeup, wear more feminine clothes, or make an extra effort in cleaning, or train myself to be a future wife, and making the conscious effort to not be bossy or authoritarian. I've struggled with a lack of femininity my whole life and I'm just learning this now. I hate my dad for being indifferent.
I always wondered if the way I've been is who I really am or the reflection of my absent dad. I wondered if, he had acted like a father, if I would be entirely different, and not need external validation from men, or to be like them. I most likely wouldn't.
A couple weeks I decided to change for many reasons but this is an important one. I want to free myself from my dad. From the internal issues in my heart. I want to be a woman, to act like one.
Yeah laugh if you want, but solving that internal conflict will change everything inside me... and that's why becoming feminine in all senses is my current mission.
