I'm divided into doing what's best for me or doing what's best for my family.
Sometimes doing things for Jehovah doesn't feel genuine and I hate that. I hate that sometimes I feel forced. I wonder if it's because I haven't read the bible or because of more things that have been accumulating since I got reinstated. I think both. I think... I just... I didn't have it in me to do more for Jehovah until recently. But I think... I think my motivator isn't Jehovah, it feels more like something I have to do for my family and for my friends rather than something I'm doing with my whole heart for Jehovah. And I hate that because I want it to come from my love for Jehovah. Maybe my love for Jehovah isn't as big as I thought. Maybe it's there but it's not so big for me to make a change like that.
I want to do more for him but at the same time, sometimes I feel like I don't do it fully and it messes my mind up.
