Today I was reflecting on the breakup.
After 7 months I see the consequences of dating him. I learned a lot but... I have to wait longer for my privileges. It hurts sometimes so I try not to think about it. Losing my privileges hurt more than the actual break up. I was doing better and after dating him it's like I went back to zero. I'm not gonna blame it all on him because it was also my fault. I was immature and stubborn on helping him. I have this innate desire of helping other people and put their needs above my own. But honestly, even since him I am better at recognizing my weaknesses and avoiding them.
I used to think I didn't have feelings for him or loved him because I spent months pretending like he didn't exist. And because I was angry instead of sad. But no. I was hurt. Hurt but also had guilt. I wasn't gonna allow myself to get depressed, so I did the best I could to deal with it.
I walked home today and had a flashback of him walking home with me, and it felt strange. It felt like a distant memory, a version of me walking beside him.
I remembered how he stopped in the way to wrap his arms around me, touch me and kiss me. Looking back felt strange. Like that wasn't me, allowing him to make out with me on the sidewalk. That was the version of me that convinced herself it was okay.
I don't like looking back but at the same time I do, because I have to.
I have to look back to remind myself of what I don't want to experience again. Of the self respect that I want to display next time...
