Hazbin Hotel Group Chat

YAY! CRIME!

Harder Daddy:
I'M HIDING FROM THE POLICE! HELP!
Short King:
... We have cops in Hell?
Harder Daddy:
First off... You should know since you're the King of Hell. Second... I may have gone somewhere other than Hell and done something stupid and now I'm hiding in a shitty gas station bathroom while a guy next to me is taking a massive shit while screaming at someone on the phone about a divorce over rotten bologna.
Dick Master:
What the fuck is bologna?
Vagina:
What the fuck do you mean? It's meat you put on a sandwich. It's made from... A bunch of shit, and honestly, I think it tastes like ass.
Dick Master:
... Bolony?
Danger Tits:
... Are you fucking joking? It's spelled bologna.
Dick Master:
... You're dumber than I thought you were. Look at that and sound it out. That's not bolony. It wouldn't be pronounced like that.
Lilith:
No... You're the dumbass. It's bologna. I don't know why, and I think it's stupid as fuck, but that's how it's spelled.
Screen Queen:
And today's trending news... "The first man is dumber than we thought. He's been around for thousands of years, yet he thought Bologna was spelled bolony". LMAO
Harder Daddy:
As amusing as it is to call Adam out for being stupid as fuck, we already fucking knew that. FOCUS ON HELPING ME ESCAPE THE DAMN COPS!
Pop My Cherri:
... If you're not in Hell, then where the fuck are you?
Squeak:
Not Heaven. We don't have cops here either.
Daddy Issues:
... He's on fucking Earth.
Whiskers:
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU THERE?
Harder Daddy:
I have a simple and valid explanation for why I illegally went to Earth, stole a car, ran over an old lady, stole the drugs she had, then hid from the cops in a shitty gas station... I was bored.
Roo:
Yep, definitely valid.
Short King:
Agreed... I'll be there in five minutes. And... Tell the guy screaming about the divorce to shut the fuck up.
Harder Daddy:
... It's getting interesting though. Turns out, he caught his wife in bed with another man, and they were using rotten bologna while fucking. The thing is, he's not mad about the cheating. He's mad because his wife put that bologna back in the fridge, hoping he would use it on his sandwich the next day.
Pear:
... Humans are fucking disgusting.
Big Ass Forehead:
... Most of us used to be humans.
Mouth:
And? Humans are still fucking gross.
Harder Daddy:
@PopMyCherri THIS GUY IS YOUR FUCKING NEPHEW! LMFAO
Pop My Cherri:
... I have a nephew? Actually... I wouldn't be shocked. And I'm not shocked that he turned out to be a dumbass with a shitty wife. @ShortKing Have you left yet? I wanna go meet my nephew.
Short King:
I'm about to leave! Let's go bitch!
Two Dicks:
... This isn't going to end well.
Harder Daddy:
... I'm in Texas if that helps. And no, I'm not at fucking Buc-Ee's. That's not a shitty gas station. I don't know what this one is called, but as soon as I walked in, my olfactory senses were assaulted with the smells of burnt coffee, shit, bleach, and a dead dog.
Pop My Cherri:
... Why the fuck would my nephew be in Texas? Hell, how do you even know it's my nephew.
Harder Daddy:
Because he was talking about you and your family. You've told me shit when drunk, and I recognized a lot of the details.
Kayden:
How would he know about her if she didn't even know she had a nephew?
Lilith:
They probably told him about his aunt who died. LMAO, families love to do that shit. "Oh, your dead ass relative meant so much and this is a picture of them. We even have a plate for them at family gatherings even though they're DEAD AS FUCK!"
Dick Master:
Why the fuck do you seem so bitter about it?
Lilith:
It's annoying as fuck. I mean, I understand grief and missing/respecting the dead, but some families make their dead ass relatives seem like they were royalty. Fuck, and don't even get me started on the bullshit people spew at funerals.
Carfight:
This is why I've always believed in honesty, even in situations where it might hurt. I went to a funeral for someone who was extremely abusive to his entire family, and while everyone else claimed he was a saint and praised him at the service, as soon as I was asked if I wanted to say anything, I was honest and called him out on all of the horrendous things he did.
Mouth:
... I wish you were there at my funeral. LMAO
Screen Queen:
Fucking same, although I don't think they were very nice at my funeral anyway. My family fucking hated me. LMAO, I'm willing to bet they said "Fuck you whore" and threw my body into a hole. Then, they celebrated.
Danger Tits:
... What the hell is wrong with you?
Screen Queen:
Fucking everything!
Danger Tits:
... I'm in the middle of something, but do I need to fucking come down there?
Screen Queen:
... Maybe.
Daddy Issues:
You two have such a sweet dynamic! 🥹
Danger Tits:
Sweet? Fucking seriously?
Squeak:
I agree! You two have a cute relationship, especially the cuddling thing!
Screen Queen:
... We're never doing that again.
Danger Tits:
... Agreed, although I don't think that's going to last, and it's going to be your fault.
Lilith:
... Not wrong.
Short King:
... This is a shitty gas station, and the lady behind the counter is ugly as fuck. She looks like if a toilet was a person.
Pop My Cherri:
... Fucking hell, my nephew looks like a crackhead.
STAB:
He is in a gas station bathroom bitching about a divorce. Did you think he'd look like a super model?
Pop My Cherri:
... Fair point. He just told me to fuck off when I told him who I was. LMAO
Harder Daddy:
... Lucifer, stop looking through the snacks.
Short King:
I WANT EARTH SNACKS BITCH!
Mouth:
We have a lot of the same shit down here.
Short King:
... Let me fucking live, OK?
Pear:
Bring me back some Pringles.
Pop My Cherri:
... He just somehow created a portal, began throwing snacks into it, and now we're jumping through. The King of Hell is a thief.
Daddy Issues:
Dad... Stealing is wrong.
Short King:
... It was from a shitty gas station, not a disabled old person or something.
Daddy Issues:
IT'S STILL STEALING!
Harder Daddy:
Hey, at least no one died.
Two Dicks:
You ran over an old lady...
God:
And she did die. Just got her file.
Harder Daddy:
... Oops.
Freaky Face:
... She had drugs. Why did her file get sent to Heaven? Shouldn't she, and the file, be in Hell?
God:
... Those drugs were her medication for her heart condition. LMAO
Harder Daddy:
Oh shit... Tell her I'm sorry for taking her shitty drugs.
STAB:
... You still have them. I found them in your pocket!
Whiskers:
Niffty, stop going through people's pockets.
STAB:
No! I find interesting things. Wanna know what I found in Vox's pocket yesterday?
Big Ass Forehead:
WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU LOOK IN MY POCKETS?
STAB:
Don't worry about it... Anyway, I found a picture of Alastor, one packet of sex gum, anal beads, a pencil that was broken, and someone's toe.
Freaky Face:
... Why am I not shocked?
Whiskers:
Sex gum?
Squeak:
I don't think I want to know. Also, are his pockets massive or something?
Pear:
WHO'S FUCKING TOE WAS IT?
Big Ass Forehead:
I don't remember honestly.
Screen Queen:
Wait... Niffty, who's pockets have you gone through? Like, in this chat?
STAB:
EVERYONE! Except God. He never has pockets.
God:
Who needs pockets when you can just make things appear?
Screen Queen:
TELL ME WHAT'S IN CARMINE'S POCKETS! PLEASE!
Carfight:
You're going to be disappointed.
STAB:
A picture of her and her kids, which there's an extra one, a pen, a teabag, a to-do list, and a contract for someone's soul.
Screen Queen:
... I'm not disappointed. An extra kid, someone's soul... Interesting.
Carfight:
... I didn't think that through. @STAB Please don't go through my pockets anymore.
STAB:
No promises!
Vagina:
... Who's soul was it?
Carfight:
They're not important.
Danger Tits:
They're clearly important enough for you to consider acquiring their soul.
Carfight:
... Good point.
STAB:
Oh, I forgot... I also found something showing that she used to be an angel.
Harder Daddy:
HOLY SHIT!
Vagina:
... You're full of shit Niffty.
STAB:
Yeah, but it sounded interesting.
Carfight:
Why have you never asked me directly about that? You all seem to be concerned about it for some reason.
Screen Queen:
... Shit, good point. I mean, I've bombarded you with questions about you and Zestial fucking for an hour once... Why not just ask you directly?
Pop My Cherri:
Because... Would she even tell us the truth? Hell, would she even answer the question?
Carfight:
Good point... You could still ask.
Two Dicks:
OK... Are you a fallen angel like Vagatha?
Vagina:
... That's still not my name.
Carfight:
... You'll find out the answer to that question someday. For now... Keep guessing.
STAB:
YAY! GUESSING!