take my hand //billie eilish//

chapter 4•

river pov:

a week had past and its now my dads funeral, im saying a speech and im nervous everyone is going to be there and what if i stutter or something goes wrong

"how you feeling honey" maggie says to me as i finish straightening my hair "nervous but apart from that okay i guess" "youll do fine sweetie" she smiles at me and shouts billie to hurry as the funeral car leaves from my house and i asked billie to come with me in the car because i dont want to sit in there with my mom

it may seem like im being evil but it really damaged me mentally when she left i lost a lot of my friends because i closed my self off, i stopped going to school and my emotions and temper got a hold of me

which is ironic because she is the exact same way but when i came to terms with the fact she wasnt coming back i promised my self to never be like her.

~time skip~

we arrived at the funeral and the entrance song played and the lump developed in my throat, me, billie, my mom, maggie, patrick and finneas are seated at the front, billies family always helped my father, patrick was his best friend and finneas was like a son to him so i get its hitting them all the same

i mean yeah my mom did leave but shes also lost her 'first love' as she says and she had lost the man she had her only daughter to so i take her hand and walk to the front seat, she looks at me and i keep my head forward seeing my dads coffin i broke into tears letting go of her hand and tugging my self into billies chest as we sit

"welcome, we all gather hear to celebrate the life of Paul Jude Marlow, he was described as a funny, caring, open minded man, wise words from partick O'Connell" we all laugh and wipe our tears

"river, pauls daughter would like to say some words before we close" we all decided if we kept the funeral short we could get it over with because i knew it would kill me

as i walk up billie gives me a nod and i take a deep breath grabbing the crumpled paper

"i didnt know id ever have to do this, me and my dad didnt really have a close bond but these past 4 years we grew closer than ever" i sniff up  "we would always watch the office and laugh at the same thing even though we had seen it a thousand times before, i cant describe the days these have been without him, without waking up to his breakfast and the burnt toast he'd always say is perfect, without his morning smile and him always asking about billie and finneas"

deep breathes river just breath

"he would always tell me to tell patrick to go over for a beer because he couldnt work his phone" everyone laughs and i see my mom crying which really sets me off

"and maggie when shed try call him to invite him for dinner but he couldnt pick up, everyone loved him but no one loved him more than me and i dont know how ill ever" i couldnt continue my throat had cracked i could feel my legs shaking i felt sick, it all felt unreal

"im sorry i cant"

billie pov:

its happening shit shit, river never wanted to admit her anxiety but i found the diagnosis slip in her room when i was packing some stuff for her to come to mine

i stand up and make my way up there i wrap my arm around her shoulder and finish for her "and i dont know how ill ever get over losing the best man i got to call my father i will make you proud and ill do my best but for now this is goodbye and the hardest goodbye ive ever had to say"

everyone claps and i take river to sit down "thank you billie" her mom says "anything for her" i say back sitting river next to finneas, i give her a tissue

"so now could everyone stand and have a moment of silence for the man everyone loves and will dearly miss"

everyone stands and as the music plays river runs out squeezing past my mom i look at her and then my mom but my mom shakes her head at me so i had no choice but to let her run

when the minute passed i ran out to see her sat on the sidewalk with her head in her knees "river" i say softly placing my hand on her leg

"i cant breath" she says her back rising up and down faster than ever "in through your nose" i say pausing "out through your mouth" "billie"
i can hear the panic in her voice i lift her head letting her green eyes fall into mine i give her my hand and she begins playing around with my rings, twisting them, pulling them of and putting them back on "helping?" i ask

she shakes her head squeezing my other hand looking away from me "look at me river focus on my breathing not yours"

everyone starts to leave and she stands up her whole body shaking but she had to thank everyone who came

after she had thanked everyone it was her mom last "i am so proud of you, and i will give you some time away from me but please if you change your mind about how you feel call me" she hugged her mom and then her mom went in a uber

"if i go back in could you stay here?" she asks "yes of course go"

river pov:

i walk back inside and place my hand on the coffin, "i promise to bring you flowers often i promise to always try my best and not give up on anything i do, i will always be strong for you i miss you so much" i kiss the top and walk out linking arms with billie and heading to my new home. billies.

what will happen from here? hehe i have alot of ideas