take my hand //billie eilish//

chapter 62•

river pov:

billies home, and we have been so good the family is perfect

claudia and finneas have just gone home after we all spent the day together

i sighed out

"everything okay" she asked me, looking over from the kitchen while making us some food

i stood up and hugged her from behind "why does it feel like your so far" i said

"im right here, always" she giggled i knew billie was back, just as im losing my self.

i cant tell billie im feeling down but i know shes noticed

i havent spent much time with her and our baby much this past week, ive been in our room just thinking.

and finishing my project.

"im here" she said placing the plates down and hugging me back, "i know" i said softly "so talk to me" she said

taking my hand and walking me to the sofa, sitting me down as she kneeled infront of me

deja vu.

~flashback~

billie pov:

i noticed ri had been bed rotting, so while my parents where out i decided to speak to her,

taking her downstairs and sitting her on the sofa, kneeling infront of her

"talk to me" i said taking her hand "please" i begged

"i dont know whats wrong with me" she spat "im sick of feeling like i have no one when i have everyone, the best people but i keep pushing that out" she cried "i dont mean to"

i rubbed my thumb over her hand

"i love you, and i dont want to push you out, but everything is louder, my thoughts" i nodded letting her rant to me

"i dont know how much longer i can do this, you have tour and ill be here living in your parents house, at 17 all by myself without you"

she wiped her eyes "i know your parents and finneas are here but ill be alone without you, and i dont want to be alone i dont know what id do"

"i can stay" is all i said "your going on tour billie, your fans depend on you" she looked right into my eyes

"my girlfriend is more important than anything in this world"

"i dont want to hold you back" she said letting go of my hand and glancing at me, before leaving the door wide open

as walked down the street

i wanted to chase her

but i knew to let her go

not forever

just for a minute

just to clear her head.

and shell come back

~end of flashback~

"talk to me" she said, shaking my head.

what could i possibly say to her? i couldnt tell my wife i cant live any longer

i cant tell her that i love her and then tell her i want to leave

i dont want to leave billie, i want to live my life with her but staying on this earth with so much in my head its to overwhelming

and its a chore to get up in the morning, i will never get my spark back and i dont want to drag her down with me

and i want auds to live her best life, and i know billie can do that but i cant if im holding my family back

"please river" "i cant do this" i said letting go of her and heading for the door

i spun around looking at her eyes, full of empathy and her pupils expanding the more she looked at me

she was inlove and so was i

but i couldnt keep doing this to her anymore.

i ran up to her and kissed her

"i love you" i said, she didnt respond she stood there with tears in her eyes

her hands still in the position they where when they were holding mine

and i walked up the stairs, into the spare bedroom

she didnt follow

she stayed

billie pov:

i knew to let her run

she had to let it out

and if that means she had to be alone.

id let her do that

i love her

she needs to clear her mind

shell come back.

~

YALL.... YALL STOP

I CANT