take my hand //billie eilish//

chapter 61•

river pov:

7 months have passed and audrey is getting bigger each day, billie is currently away on her last 3 days of tour and i know it has killed her not being able to see her.

we have facetimed everyday all day until her very minute she has left before the show

ive been feeling so down lately, and i knew i couldnt give up not yet. Not now my child and wife need me

but how much longer can i physically hold on for, it seems stupid but somethings telling me my times coming to an end.

as audrey made baby noises as shark rolled around wagging his tail at her, i scrolled through instagram

watching videos of billie on tour, "audrey mommas here" i said picking her up and placing her on my lap

i played the video of billie singing 'male fantasy' the song she would sing to me when auds was in my stomach

i watched as she began to smile and try clap her hands at her momma, i cant wait to take audrey on tour.

i cant wait for billie to be home, to hold her and feel safe in her arms once again.

its been a long few months without billie and i think thats why ive been so low, she isnt here to block out my thoughts

i have audrey but its not the same without billie too

is this how she would feel without me?

billie said to me that after this tour shes taking a break from music, i knew it hurt her to even say that as everything we do or say or even think turns into a new song for her

and i dont want to get in the way of that because we now have a family

and my dad isnt here to see his granddaughter or to watch her grow up

but to see me the mother i always dreamed of being

~flashback~

river pov:

me and my dad where on the topic of babies

"is this your way of telling me your having another child" i laughed, my dad always searched for someone new

he would bring people home but theyd never stay. they were sweet but i knew he wouldnt love them like he loved my mother

"when i become a mom, i will be better than mine" he smiled "and thats why im proud of you" he smiled kissing my head

"you always want to correct everyones mistakes" he said getting up and handing me a photo book

he never spoke about my mom much since she left as i knew it hurt.

i would hate to feel that hurt one day, it looks painful and i think my life would be over because when i love i love to hard but when i hate i hate even more

and to hate someone as much as i hate my mom for leaving my dad it hurts me to even hate someone at all. my heart is to big for that

as he would always say, your heart expands while other peoples shrink.

and ever since he told me that i knew those words would stick with me

but as we flicked through the photo book it was photos of my mom and dad since they were my age, 15

up until she left

and everyday my dads smile grew while my moms faded

and i knew he knew but to say that? i would never

i feel like i was the only thing holding them together until my mom also got sick of me.

i hope one day my child doesnt hold us together until they get bored of me

~end of flashback~

as audrey fell asleep and i tucked her in bed, i sat downstairs and looked at mine and billies photos

sending them to the printer, every single photo we had i printed

taking them from the printer and looking at each one individually

seeing our smiles grow and grow, her smile never faded and neither did mine

did i find the correct love? people hurt people but if we can fix it that proves something right?

i got up, walking upstairs and searching through our room

looking for an old sketch book

i found one. a huge one which was perfect, we had so many photos together and i had so much to say

i sat on the bed placing the huge pile of photos next to me and opening the sketch book

taking a pen out and i began to write

sticking a picture under each paragraph for each page.

i sighed knowing exactly why i was doing this

~

CUTE RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE IM GIVING TO MANY HINTS TO SOMETHING BIG SOOO 🙏 ENJOY THEM WHILE THEY LAST