take my hand //billie eilish//

chapter 56•

river pov:

the bathroom door flung open and claudia threw herself on the floor, holding me in her arms

"its okay" she said in my ear as i held my stomach "ive done this" claudia shook her head at me, "we know billie, she suffers in silence and thats not your fault"

the breathes escaped quicker

"she trusts you, but when billie switches off it takes alot for her to come back on, and i know you know that better than anyone but please remember this is not your fault"

billie pov:

finneas barged in "what are you doing billie" i knew i had to ignore it, i couldnt build up the courage to apologise to her

"dont push me out, talk to me" i knew he was mad, i knew he would be able to break me though

i stood up and tried to leave "not this time" he spat "you can stand or sit but listen to me, you have a wife upstairs who is balling her eyes out because use havent spoken, and yes it works two ways but billie shes carrying your child."

i sat.

"i know you havent been feeling your self but this is not your fault, if your struggling you need to tell her, she deserves to know"

"im scared okay" i shouted slamming my hands on the chair  "im scared that the day our child comes we will get worse, the day i marry her what if she doesnt want to be married anymore? all because im like this? because once i switch off thats it im gone"

"and what if i fuck up the only opportunity to love this girl to my full potential, she doesnt even know that we went out that night, she thinks im going out with those people again"

throwing my head back, tangling my hair between each finger, "i didnt tell my own wife where i was going and this is exactly why we are in this situation"

he hugged me.

without saying another word

as i sobbed in my brothers arm, i heard yelling upstairs

"i overreacted, if i had just asked her instead of assuming, i assume the worse as i know it wont hurt as much if im right"

my heart sunk, we had been living in the same house for a week without speaking

i havent seen her beautiful face in a week, her green eyes looking into mine but her touch

it was different, it was like i knew at any point i could see all of that so i used to my advantage to not use it?

but when we were away for all those years it was all i could think about, her lips her eyes her touch her crys her laugh her smile her light snores

and yet this whole week shes slept like 3 days

shes hardly eaten, shes hardly had water or anything to drink at all.

i have 5 months to pull my self together, yet i know i cant apologise

it was like my brain was telling me not to it was telling me we needed this

but right now?

river pov:

as she held me on the floor all i could think about was her

how she must be feeling, the stress of the marriage the baby on the way

the gender reveal in a few days.

but i knew i couldnt apologise, what was i apologising for? for caring about my wifes mental health and her safety

i do feel guilt as i shouldve asked who she was out with and if i had just knew it was finneas i wouldnt of been so mad

but yet me being me i had to be paranoid

but it was just the linger of alcohol she brought in with her, my mind switched

"im sorry" i whispered, i couldnt even speak loud enough all this crying had me exhausted

exhausted to the point i was tired of sitting "for what" "dragging you into this, its always you and finneas jumping to our rescue" she laughed trying to lift the air

"what we do without you" i said before placing my head on her lap and nodding off

billie pov:

after finneas had let go of me i knew i had to apologise for everything ive done these past weeks

as i walked upstairs i saw the bathroom door slightly open, pushing it open claudia hushed me

"shes asleep" i lent my body against the door way and just watched her get the rest she needed

of course the anger was still there, and i tried everything i could to push it aside for her

i wish she knew how many battles i fight a day just to see her smile

"look after each other bills" my stomach dropped

claudia played with her hair while she wrapped her arm right around her thigh, i smiled i knew she was comfortable where she was

"i will happily do this every time you need me to billie but use have so much to look forward to, this doesnt need to happen"

"a week?" she questioned

looking at her i knew i couldnt do it, i ran out and into my bedroom

collecting clothes, picking up the picture of us together from a few weeks ago and shoving it in my pocket

sprinting down the stairs, i heard claudia placing river in bed as she chased me down the stairs

"dont run from it billie" i glanced at her with such sympathy in my eyes

"isnt this what im best at?" opening the door handle and closing it behind me

going to unlock my car, i felt my arm being ragged "think about it" she said looking at me dead in the eyes

as finneas stood beside her

i knew how many people id let down if i left river in there, in that state but what other choice did i have?

until i fix my self she doesnt need my negative mindset around her

"ill be back for the gender reveal and tell her i love her"

and i got in my car leaving my wife, my baby and maybe even my future

but getting in this car and going to stay somewhere else, i knew this exactly what i needed

but was i thinking about what river would need?

~

UHMM

HI... 🧍‍♀️