𝓛𝓮𝓸𝓷 𝓚𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓭𝔂| ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴇꜱ ʙᴏᴏᴋ 4

Relapse| Request

AN: This imagine does feature triggering topics such as SH, SH relapse and depression. Please take caution when reading, and remember that your mental health matters more than anything else. You're never alone, and I hope that things become brighter in the future. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

Nights are always the worst. I sit on the bathroom floor, the house silent but my mind anything but. My thoughts had been spiralling all day, a whirlwind of guilt, depression and frustration bubbling up and building into something so painfully familiar. Each thought hit harder than the last, until I couldn't stay afloat anymore. I didn't mean to relapse, but the pain felt like a fleeting release, at the time I needed it, but now...now sitting on the floor holding a cloth to my self-inflicted injuries, I felt nothing but shame and sorrow. I hadn't told Leon about my feelings, he's been working so hard lately, stressing about things whilst still trying to keep me out of anything negative, the last thing I'd wanted to do is add to his burdens, but now I know I won't be able to hide what I've done. He'll know. He always knows. 

I stare at the cloth, a lump forming in my throat as yet again that wave tries to drown me, it crests and threatens to pull me under for good this time, and just as I clench my fists and feel my mind reach a darker place, the bathroom door creaks open. I flinch at the sound, I didn't hear Leon wake up and now I'm worried he's going to be mad. Or leave me. Or both. I feel the sting of tears as his footsteps approach slowly, as if he's not sure what he's going to find. I stare at the door, it feels like hours but in reality it's only seconds before it swings open, and Leon's concerned gaze finds my own, at first his eyes widen at the sight, my heart pounds as I avoid his eyes, keeping them on the floor as he hesitantly comes in and kneels down, his larger hands resting on my knees as I clutch the cloth to my arm. His fingers curl into my skin gently as he leans in to take a closer look at my face. 

"Hey, look at me." He whispers softly, tone full of worry and love, there's not a hint of frustration or impatience. I take a moment, gathering my courage, but then I lift my head to meet his gaze, his blue eyes shine with understanding- I know he's been through a similar experience to mine before. The tears I've been trying to contain finally overspill, cascading down my cheeks as I blink them away. Leon doesn't speak, he just reaches up, cupping my cheek with one hand as he swipes my tears away with his thumb. I can't take the silence. The care. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper thickly, "I didn't want you to see me like this." My voice cracks as a hiccup escapes me. Leon doesn't say anything, but a low, sympathetic noise is released from his lips before he pulls me into his arms, wrapping me tightly in a hug as he sits down on the floor. I crawl onto his lap, breaking down as sobs wrack my body. I tremble as he squeezes me, letting me cry as he rests his chin on the top of my head, a hand rubbing my back soothingly as he shakily exhales, as if my own pain damages him too. 

"It's okay, I'm right here, I've got you." He murmurs steadily. He gently rocks me, his warmth slowly seeping into me as I cling to him, letting him anchor me as I let my emotions out. We stay like that for as long as I need until my tears have dried and I finally begin to calm down again, Leon's hold on me never wavers, as if he's afraid that if he lets go I've disappear. I feel grounded once more, present as he kisses the top of my head as I peel away from him, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands before then swiping at my cheeks. Leon doesn't let go completely, instead he keeps one hand resting on my waist, as he clears his throat carefully. "You don't have to ever apologise, okay?" He says, searching my eyes as if drilling the point into me. The sincerity makes my heart ache, but it doesn't soothe the wounds. 

"But I've let you down. I made you worry and-" I begin, the guilt and bad feelings coming back, but Leon cuts me off by pressing a finger to my lips, shaking his head but not in frustration. It's almost rueful.