Diary of a Mandu

일기 #24

06 May 2016

Dear diary,

Oh, look, it's Baekhyun and Hwanhee's birthday. I hope the two idols have a great birthday ahead of them and lots and lots of happiness and success. Life isn't an easy race, because if it was, it wouldn't be fun. You wouldn't feel the sense of accomplishment. You wouldn't feel the importance of gaining happiness, losing it and gaining it again. You wouldn't feel any of it. I guess, even though life is hard, sad and scary, it's still trying to teach us. To give us humans a great lesson, give us strength to go on.

That was a weird introduction to my diary entry, hahahahaha. Anyway, moving on. I'm finally over him. I check his statutes less. We text less. I search for him in a crowd less. I'm safe to say that I'm close to complete moving on. Part of me still likes him, sure, but most of me says no. Which is really great.

My friends and I had a deep conversation in our LINE group chat last night. We talked about a lot of things. It started with Seungkwan opening up about his complicated family tree. I never knew it was that hard on him. First, it's just his mom and his dad and his siblings. Then, his mom cheated on his dad. What's messed up is that she cheated on him with a woman. Next, his dad found another woman and apparently got married and had a child? I wasn't sure about the "got married" part but they definitely had a child. And even Seungkwan was unsure whether his parents are divorced or not, but they don't live in the same house. Seungkwan's dad lives in Busan while his mom, him and his siblings live in Seoul. Moving on, our conversation started with people opening up about their problems, especially Seungcheol. As I watched them converse, I privately texted Sungcheol and told him:

You know how you guys are talking in the group about your family and everything? I wish I could do that. I wish I could open up about things I wish to talk about. But I can't. I just can't.

Sungcheol replied to me: mandu, you don't have to push yourself to talk about things you can't talk about. It's fine, really. One day, you'll be able to. I know it.

I may not be able to talk about my family problems smoothly like others, but I managed to talk about things I could never talk about when I was experiencing it such as the fact one of our friends talked behind my back. I know, I'm not perfect, but she didn't have to push me down and scream it in my face. I'm very sensitive on the insides, but I never show that I'm hurt.

So the conversation went on until we eventually talked about our pains and some of us even confessed about the pain they were suffering now.

Then I got a private text from Sungcheol and his apparent confession. I can't remember what he said, but I remember the gist of it. Basically, he has liked me ever since the fourth grade, when we first met as classmates and became best friends and he still likes me up until now. That's six years. Six freaking years. Sungcheol...

It's not that I don't like him back. Wait, in fact, I don't. But I have a bad habit on trying to satisfy them so they don't get hurt in the end. I have that bad habit. So sometimes, I end up making a horrible mistake and make things more complicated. But because that happened two years ago, I didn't want it to happen again. So I told him what I thought about, what he is to me and that I don't feel the same way. I also added that I understand if he didn't want to text me for some time, he didn't want to see me for some time because it's my fault, really.

So that has what happened. We're on a pause apparently. I cried last night because I thought about permanently losing him, which I was afraid about. I didn't know what to do, apparently. I'm slightly facing depression today because of the events from last night but I have to learn to live with it but I can't help but feel affected by it as well.

I just sighed. I'm going to get better. We're going to get better. I just know it. But only time can decide, really.

~Author's Notes~

Whoop whoop! It's a long chapter. Hoped you enjoyed :)

xoxo

Byun Sang Kyung