Diary of a Mandu

sweet candy

24 September 2016

Dear diary,

It's been another long while. I have news to share. Remember how my friend's friend like Jun? She ended up confessing and here's the funny part. I actually held my breath when I was about to hear the reply of my friend. Whether or not Jun accepted her or rejected her. Even funnier is the fact that I sighed in relief (of course, inwardly) after hearing he rejected her. The only thought I had in my head was: I guess I'm not over him yet.

No, I am. I am over him. I just think it's the left over feelings. Part of me is wistful and though it's only a small portion of it, it has a big effect on the whole of me. The wistful part of me will cause me to glance over at Jun during business classes by accidentㅡor by purpose. The wistful part of me will cause me to think of him from time to time and reminisce by the memories we used to have. The time where everything was easier.

See, I'm at it again. I just imagined what it'd be like if I had confessed earlier. Actually, I sometimes even imagine if my life would have been better if the both of us had never got entangled with each other. Maybe it would have. Yeah, maybe it would.

But isn't that what life is all about? For people to meet each other, get mixed up in each other's lives and live on? Some don't know where they belong in a person's life or even their value to them. That's when life tests you and prove a point. That you have a meaning in someone's life, same goes to a person to you.

Life isn't about trying to fit in with people. It's more about discovering the people around you. Listening to their story and maybe helping them. Life has a tendency to make history repeat itself, which is why quotes, words or even advises by people are helpful and even relatable. Because we all will go through the similar situation, eventually. Maybe there's a reason why life does it. Maybe it's because people need to face something to get stronger. Or maybe there's a greater reason but we just don't know it. Or even... maybe it's because we're growing, so the simplest things in life can be taken for granted and forgotten.

We should see things as they are so that we could live a simpler life. And maybe then, we could avoid more complications and over thinking that is clearly unnecessary.

What I noticed from Pineapple was that I clearly over thought a lot then. Thinking back, I realized everything was futile because in the end, all my choices would end up at the same conclusion.

There's actually this one song that best described those times when we were on and off. It's by Girls Day, it's called I Miss You. Here, I'll write some of the lyrics downㅡthe ones which I relate to the most.

I'm smiling trying to endure
I still haven't made up my mind yet
Please, don't be good to me
Stop being too good to me

Don't be good to me, I have a heartache
Stop showing up in my gaze, I keep thinking of you
I'm too weak
So I can only picture you
I draw you again while erasing the picture again, too sweet
So you make me go crazy, you put me in pain
So I go even crazier
Don't be too good
Don't show yourself to me

Don't tell me why
Don't be good to me, my heart aches
Don't tell me boy
Don't be good to me
I'm trying to erase you from my heart like this but it's not happening like I planned it to be

For me, the lines "I'm trying to erase you from my heart like this but it's not happening like I planned it to be" is what I'm going through right at this very moment. I'm trying to erase him from my heart, but why is it so hard to achieve a simple task? I also want to erase the sweet picture I imagine with him since it won't ever happen, I realize. 

There were so many signs that told me that we were never meant to be. Yet, I never listened. I still insisted things could work out between us. I said that with a bit of hard work, maybe the both of us could be able to work out. But now I realized I should have listened to Sua. Back then, she already told me that maybe we just weren't meant to be. But Jun had done something to me and my mental health. It's like if he isn't there in my life, I'm mentally unsafe. That's why I did my best to keep the relationship stable. Maybe... maybe it was just futile in the end.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)