Diary of a Mandu

why

10 September 2016

Dear diary,

He's at it again. He texts me like we're friends and all and he makes my heart continue to race. I have to remind myself that I have to get over him. But what could I do? In my world, I'm the Queen of unrequited love. I don't get over someone entirely that easily and that fast.

Oh, great. I have my phone's songs put on shuffle and guess what song is playing? Yup, a song I've used before as some type of reference. BTS's Love is Not Over.

I wish our love wasn't over. I wish I could tell him that if he wasn't around, I couldn't go on. But what could I do? In the end, I was only hesitant and every time I hesitate, things don't get better. I apologize, I tell him what I want us to be but they're not working. There's only one way left to get over himㅡor know if he still likes me and that's confessing. That shouldn't be considered an option since I wouldn't even dare to confess. I think that's the main reason why I never get over my unrequited loves. It wasn't because of Chulsoo, in fact, it was because of me. I put all the blame on Chulsoo when in fact, it was me who caused all of this. It was because I was a coward. C-O-W-A-R-D.

I have two options and only two options. Confess and see what happens or forget and move on. I was doing neither. I'm staying in a neutral zone. I wasn't sure what exactly was I doing with myself, my feelings, but I'm surely hurting myself.

All these pains is not solely because of Jun. It turned out it was because of me and my coward self. Why wasn't I brave? Why wasn't I like other people out there who could easily achieve the love they wished and hope for? Why was I like this?

I need to settle my mind and these thoughts. There's no other way but to force myself to move on, even though that's a big chance I won't ever more on. There's another way for instant move on. It's to personally hear it from him that he doesn't like me. But there's this disadvantage to if I confessed to him. I'd be embarrassed. I wouldn't know how to face him afterwards. But then I'd be over him. It wouldn't matter to me anymore.

So now I know what I have to do.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)