Diary of a Mandu

일기 #43

10 June 2016

Dear diary,

Remember that time when I thought Jun left me for real? Like, forever and never come back? There was one song that totally fitted that moment. BTS's Love Is Not Over.

Love hurts, farewells hurt more,
If you're not here, I don't think I can go on.

I don't know if those are the exact lyrics, but that song really described how I felt back then. Before Pineapple, I used to love that song. It had deep lyrics, a nice tune and everything. As time passed and Pineapple happened, I realized how a song can describe a person's feeling. I guess that's what life is about. Everyone goes through the same experience and eventually, everyone can relate.

I didn't see Jun today at school. I know he came, but I didn't see him at all. These days, I keep looking out the window (the ones that shows the hall, not the outside view) to check if he pass by or not. When he does, I try to act normal and pretend I don't know he's out there.

Actually, something happened before, but I can't remember when. I think it was back before Nayeon played cupid for me. Probably two days before that. It was this class where both his class and my class combined for classes, but there are two elective classes and him and I weren't in the same elective class. I was with his friend Mingyu though.

So Sua and Ayeon sat next to Mingyu and while I was busy reading the quotes posted on the wall of Jun's classroom, all of a sudden, Mingyu shouted to me, "Jun!"

I pretended not to hear or get affected by it but honestly, I just felt like crying. I didn't, though. Jennie (she sat next to me at that time) snapped and told him to shut up. I laughed, turning my head to face her and tried to calm my mind and not cry. I was honestly hurt because Mingyu basically served as a reminder on what has happenedㅡeverything. So I just felt like crying. I didn't. Instead, I turned my attention to Jennie, tried to calm her down and even hoped that I could be distracted by something else.

Oh, great. I feel like crying right now again. My eyes are slightly wet, but tears aren't flowing down. My grip on the pen is weak, but I still go on with writing. See what I mean? One moment, I'm giddy and happy thinking about Jun. The next, I wish he never entered my life. What is it that I really want? What is it I wanted to gain? Why is it every time I think about Pineapple, the more frustrated I get, the more my goal for it became unclear? Was the sign that strong?

It's been more than two years since my last relationship and let me just say, it probably ended less than half a year. I was that uncomfortable in a relationship. But having a crush was different. He was different. Or, at least, that was what I believed. I wasn't sure anymore. I really wasn't. The world... it's not always what you think it is. Here's a piece of advise: never believe in the people in your head. You'll only be blinded by them, never sure who is it you're really dealing with and what they might do to you. That's why I shouldn't have believed in my head version of Jun. I ended up hurting myself this way it's almost pathetic.

Okay, I still haven't given up. I just hope I know that. I can change. He can change. I just need to tell him how I feel, what I want and maybe even drop a hintㅡ that is, if he isn't too stupid to notice it. Sua tried dropping a hint. I don't remember what he replied, but basically, he didn't realize anything. And so, here's my turn to try. It's not over yet.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)