Diary of a Mandu

일기 #30

23 May 2016

Dear diary,

It's the day Nayeon will go to school in Chundak. Ever since yesterday, I've only seen and read the texts in our LINE group chat and never replied or tried to join in the conversation. My statutes changes to more about my feelings about being ignored and forgotten and as usual, I make sure it's not obvious to anyone at all. I don't know what will happen on their side, but I have to go to school now so I'll probably write more once I get back home. I'm hoping today will be a good day and not add up to my bad luck.

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I'm back from school and surprisingly, I was okay. I mean, yeah, there were times where I scribbled onto the corners of my book about how I was feeling, and, of course, in another language so that it wasn't obvious to anyone but myself.

School was as it was. Study, have fun times with friends, laughing, enjoying, and we go home. That's how I would summarize my day today. Though, in the group chat that's buzzing up right now... yes, I'm writing a diary entry while staring at my phone and the messages that are being sent.

They're talking about the day they had today and even sent a selfie of Nayeon, Seungkwan, Sungcheol and Sojin. I'm looking at it right now and somehow feel jealous again. I wish I was there. I wish I was there with all of them. I wish I wasn't here stuck in this far away place that I don't fit in with. They treat me well, I know that, but I could clearly feel the difference of being here and in Chundak. In Chundak, there's rarely a time we fell into an awkward silence. Here, on the other hand, it happens way too often that I feel... I feel like it's horrible. There's no other words to describe it but horrible.

They're still texting right now and I don't have any will or motivation to reply back. Oh, now they're talking about me.

Seungkwan: it's too bad mandu isn't here with us :(

Sungcheol: it'd be better if she was!!

Nayeon: I miss mandu! :(((

Me: hahaha, I miss you guys too :)

At this point, I may or may not have made myself obvious. They could easily sense the change because, usually, when I chat, I don't type "hahaha" with lowercase letters. I type them with all caps, like "HAHAHAHA". So they could obviously sense that I might not be fine.

But if they asked, I'd lie to them, saying that it's autocorrect that did it. 

I'd make excuses saying things like I was too busy to type it in caps like I usually do because I'm doing  homework but they don't seem to ask or bother so what was the point of trying to make excuses when they clearly don't even care right now? It was a waste in the first place.

They're still chatting right now and I went offline because I didn't think I was needed in the conversation. They were doing fine without me in it, so it would be best if it just stays that way. At least this way, no one would notice that I was acting a little off.

I noticed that this diary entry is longer than the others. I think it's because I have more things on my mind these days. I'm definitely not myself because of this.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)