Diary of a Mandu

dark skies

13 June 2016

Dear diary,

Because of the lowkey crush, I have the tendency to look out the window that showed the hallway. Jun would always use that way because he came through the other stairs and I would always glance at him when he passes by. It has become an unconscious instinct. I want it to stop because I really don't want to remember everything that has happened and looking at him simply reminds me of it.

What are we, really? We're friends, aren't we? But why does it feel as if we're not? I want to pretend he isn't my friend but for some reason, whenever he passes by, I have an urge to make things right again. To tie up that lose ribbon that came undone.

You know what? Ribbon by Beast is a suitable song for this situation. At least, on his case. The lyrics speak for his actions and when I first heard the song, I actually scoffed at some parts because nothing has ever been so relatable before. All the lyrics, I just sang because they were nice and catchy. The more I listen to songs I used to enjoy, the more I realized how some of the lyrics actually speak out the unspoken concerning Pineapple. It makes me want to shred a piece of paper. It makes me want to cry. I don't know which to feel at all.

My grip on my pen tightens and weakens continuously. Which of the two emotions should I feel? I keep asking myself that, but even I know I won't get an answer from simply questioning repeatedly. I need to take action, but once again, I'm hesitant. I want to do something about this situation, but I'm falling a step behind. It's like trying to jump off the ramp when trying bungee jumping. You're so close to jumping, you're about to do it, but you fall back, scared to even try. That's how it is with Pineappleㅡhow it is with Jun.

I remember that one day. I think it was two days before Nayeon played cupid for me. I was sitting next to Jennie in Jun's class for our elective classes and was innocently reading the quotes printed out on paper and pasted on the walls of his class. Ayeon and Sua sat together and Mingyu was sitting next to them too. All of a sudden, he shouted, "Jun!"

Jennie snapped beside me and told him to shut up and I was feeling heavy, I nearly cried but distracted myself by trying to calm Jennie down. I was laughing while facing her, so my back was facing Mingyu's side, but it felt as if my eyes had water in them. I laughed more and lied, saying that I laughed so hard I cried then swiftly wiped them out of my eyes.

Mingyu served as a painful reminder to the painful situation known as Pineapple. It's either I want to forget about everything and move on or simply try my best to do everything I can to probably gain something more?

But what is it I really want?

I don't even know what exactly I want to gain. I'm emotionally damaged from this, I think Jun is too. I want to take a break. I want to stop thinking about it. I'm stressed and Sua and Jennie are stressed out about me being stressed too. I just want to be distracted right now. I want to forget. Now, only time can tell what happens from now on.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)