Diary of a Mandu

uncertainty

30 August 2016

Dear diary,

We had business today and he was sitting four seats away from me, but that didn't mean I couldn't see him. Every time from the corner of my eyes, I could see him. I wasn't sure if he was glancing at me or our business teacher (because I sat in front and the teacher was right in front of me) but he definitely made me feel uncomfortable at times. Because if he was staring at me... I don't know. I can't ever treat him like a stranger anymore or someone I don't know because the both of us have been through things we can't talk about. There were a lot of things left unspoken and none of us were able to voice them out. So it's like nothing for us now. We didn't try hard enough. I'm trying to tell myself it's over but it's asking me a question I can't see the future of.

What if I just continued liking him and eventually confess to him?

I can't tell the exact future to that but I can expect what would happen if I continued liking him up until the point where I would only embarrass myself. He's never going to like me back anymore. I have wasted my chance and if I continued liking him, I'll only hurt myself. If he was really like me, he'd never go back to a girl he likes after he made it clear he's over her.

But what can I do? While I was talking to Baekhee and her friend, my eyes would look past her shoulder and glance at Jun. He would sit there, staring down at his thighs while Mingyu left the room. I didn't know where he went but our homeroom teacher called him for some reason.

Then while walking out of the computer lab (because we had our business class there) I saw him up by the window and you know what's sad? I actually thought he was there to see me but only then did I realize Mingyu was there with their friend... Raewon? I forgot his name but he was also a transfer student but I think he came before Jun did.

By the stairs, Jun turned out to be waiting there and I got all nervous because, well, whenever he was around, I just turned into someone a little different. I'd float into some other world for some reason and I'd be torn between reality and a dream. There's no definite explanation, but that was how it felt like.

He and I walked past by, our bodies almost close because of the small hallway we had, and I couldn't really piece the Jun I first met to the Jun I see everyday in school. They were like two different people. I got to know his flirty self but ended up falling for his hurt self. I wasn't sure anymore. I'm never sure to anything relating Pineapple and Jun. I wasn't even sure whether to get over him or let the lowkey like for him grow.

They say we're too young to fall in love because we're still immature and naïve. We don't know a lot about love. We don't have experience. But love is a feeling far greater than all of us so we can't really control who we fall in love with or when we fall in love. It just happens without a warning, without a sign, and it'll leave you blinking in shock because you weren't expecting it to hit you. You could be in denial, you might get hurt from falling in love, but in the end, love is a wonderful feeling. At least, in that short time, I was able to feel what love felt like again. My history with love has been nothing but continuous fails. It's mainly my fault, I realized that. But even from all the past mistakes, I never learn at all. I always had a wall put up and my feelings always arrive a beat late. I don't want to lead anyone on because I was afraid they might get hurt more but sometimes I do the wrong thing because I end up wasting my chance.

I also realized another thing. So far, I have fallen in love with foreigners. Hansol is half Korean, but he's still considered a foreigner. Jun isn't even Korean. He's Chinese! But, gosh, when will I ever learn?

My mom once said that I should never love someone to the fullest. Just give them half your love so that once the two of you part, you wouldn't be that hurt. You'd be okay. Hurt, but better than majority of the people suffering from heartbreaks.

What's that English line from BTS's song Move again? It was near the end, Rap Monster's part. Oh, now I remember.

And let's move on.

I'll be doing that from now on. I know I have a habit of holding back but it's been too long now. I know it's too late now to go back to the time he still likes me but it's not too late to give up. So, I'll follow what Rap Mon said. And I'll finally move on.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)

~Author's Notes~

So I was chatting with my friend and he said he's going to Korea next year. Then the chat escalated until he said his family allowed him to bring a friend on the trip and he said he could bring me. I would go but there are two problems: 1. Tickets are expensive and 2. My dad doesn't allow me to go on a trip with a GUY. 

I mean, it's not like my dad's going to bring the family to Korea any time soon. AISH! My luck with going to Korea isn't very great. I mean, even my friend (who's a big fan of 5SOS and NOT K-pop) is in Korea right now. *cries* 

QOTU: (Question of the update)

Have you ever been to Korea?

AOTU: 

Nope. And I think I'll ever go. T.T