Diary of a Mandu

일기 #31

24 May 2016

Dear diary,

School was as usual, as every day, it's the same. Although, it's a whole different story when it comes to my online life. Like I said before, I stayed away from the group chats on LINE. I don't feel like I'm needed so instead, I find other distractions that will keep me entertained. There's not much, though.

Sometimes, or most of the times, I would just seen zone all their messages and just never reply. Even if the chat is still going on, I'd just read the messages and never reply.

So recently, I had my status in Korean and Seungkwan noticed it, leading him to sending me a private text to question if I was okay or not. You know what I replied?

Me: eyyy, they're just lyrics from a song I like. Anyway, even if I was sad or going through something, I wouldn't be obvious about it ;) not really, at least

Yes, I did open up a little regarding the way I hid my feelings. All my life, my friends have known me as a person who'd never get affected by even the smallest things. I don't know why I'm getting affected by it now. Maybe I'm at a sensitive age, I tell myself. Or maybe I'm just too tired from everything these days. Whatever the real reason is, it's affecting me and it's definitely not a good thing.

Seungkwan replied me with: hwaiting, mandu! It's not really possible for you to be sad, but we're still all humans after all and I know you don't need any advices because you're mentally strong so I know you'll get over it! <3

I liked how he was probably the only one to notice I wasn't myself these days and actually question me about it and even care. Maybe I was wrong about the fact that people don't care for me. But my perspective still can't change. Not that easily right now, at least.

I usually expect Sungcheol to be the first one to notice if something's wrong since I've talked to him about a lot of things regarding what goes on in this complicated brain of mine, as well as the feelings I feel every now and then. In the big 100% of my brain, he was able to discover and know 4% of it. And that was already a big achievement to me. That's how much I don't talk about my feelings to people. 

I think it's because while growing up, I've only ever really felt happiness. So when sadness and this... depression came, I just don't know how to tell people about it. Most of the times, it's me helping people deal with it, giving them advises on how they can properly deal with it and everything. I guess that's an advantage because I don't need any help from anyone because I can just tell myself all the things I've told them before to get myself back into shape.

There's always a little voice in your head. It can be for anything, really, but my little voice is for me to stay as I am. It acts as some kind of map, a guide, to help me remain and remember oh, this is who I am. I don't want to change myself for anyone, unless change is needed for improvement.

I'm not perfect. I don't know everything. But I do know that sadness will not stay forever. It just feels that way because it brings you down, thus slowing down the time in your mental brain. At least, that's what I like to believe.

I sighed a moment ago. That's how much I want to get this feeling out of me. I hope it does. Question is, when?

Love, 
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)