Diary of a Mandu

broken glass

21 June 2016

Dear diary,

I really gave up. I don't want to know if he likes me or not anymore. I've read the signs and I know now that he obviously doesn't like me. I want to say hi to him every time I pass by him but for some reason, one glance at his face can send multiple of unwanted hurtful memories and imagined flooding my brain and I end up ignoring and pretending he isn't even there in the first place. How can I be fine? How can I move on? I'm the only one struggling over nothing and he might have already moved on and he's fine and everything. The hell I care.

Sua knows that we're just friends without feelings whatsoever and she said all right but was I lying to myself the entire time? I thought I was over him, but I actually wasn't. I thought I was sure. I almost believed that I thought of him less, I searched for him less and I actually thought I was at the point where I completely let go of him. So why is it now that everything comes crashing back to me? I really thought that for sure I was over him but the more I actually see him, the more I feel like I might fall for him even more. I'm stopping myself because if I fall in love now, I'll only get hurt. I keep making mistakes I'll never learn from.

This is why I always have a wall. This is why I'm always careful when someone falls for meㅡbut never careful enough. At least all my past crushes... they're easier to get over. Why is it that Jun had to indirectly hurt me and destroy me on the inside? Or am I doing this to myself, actually?

He thinks me not texting him first as a sign that I don't want him to be bothered. He has taken it the wrong way. I'm just scared and hesitant that I'd be the one who bothers him first. I want him to know that but by now, I think it's a little too late. Aish, I want to do something about this situation but I really don't know what I can do. It's like on paper while writing this entry, I have an idea on what I want to do and say but once I open up that chat box, once the keyboard makes an appearance, my mind goes blank as that blinking | continues to blink without words being written or typed in. All the ideas, everything I want to tell him, they have all completely disappeared and I end up backing out once again. So nothing changes.

I miss Chundak more than ever now. Back in Chundak, I never dealt with any of these crush problems because not a lot of boys have ever found me interesting enough to get my number and try to get to know me. Boys in this school were different. They'd get your number and chat with you. They have the actual confidence to do such a thing that it's surprising. But back when I wasn't noticed, back when I wasn't some eye catcher or eye candy to boys, I lived a happier and peaceful life. It was better then.

If I hadn't move, I wouldn't have been emotionally damaged like I am now. If the school fees hadn't have raised, I wouldn't have moved. If I hadn't move, I wouldn't deal with what I'm dealing with now. It's a butterfly effect. Now I wish I can destroy that effect. I wish I could prevent it from happening. I wouldn't be like this at all.

I need another pause. Nothing's going to happen, I know it. So instead of waiting around, I want to get myself distracted by remembering my past and Chundak. I want to remember all those members, from the very moment I enter class. I want to remember my friends and how there was a different (and obviously better) atmosphere there. I want to remember all of that. And you know what? I'm even going to chat with them right now. I'll write in you soon, diary.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)

~Author's Notes~

SEVENTEEN'S COMEBACK, I'M IN TEARS BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD THE SONG IS, HOW LIT THE DANCE IS AND HOW HANDSOME EACH AND EVERY MEMBER IS T^T

Anyone still breathing at this point?